By: Dr. Belisa Vranich
Michael Cordera, Esq.
Police officer Jared Rodriguez was doing pretty well hot-tubbing and feeling up his twin brother's girlfriend until she realized she was being duped. Add to this already-in-daytime-TV-production that his wily scheme fell apart because she caught a glimpse of his left butt cheek and didn't see the cowboy tattoo she was used to. Jared Rodriguez was charged with first-degree sexual assault and criminal impersonation, and resigned from the police department Monday.
The late '80s Milli Vanilli's lip-syncing and Vanilla Ice's exaggerated ghetto background are cake compared to the fake nurses (CT woman stages her own Nurse of the Year award last month), fake lawyers, fake Rockefellers, and, by a twist of terrible luck, as of last Friday even fake baseball pitchers (although Mexican national Oscar Corral just wanted an ID, he had the bad luck of getting the ID of Marlins' relief pitcher, Enrique Calero).
In some way, I think that this must be an after-effect of Sacha Cohen's ability to convincingly morph into different characters, and of the dozens of reality show that offer drama to otherwise pedestrian lives: the "I'm sick of being just me" syndrome.
OK, so one day you wake up, put on a black knit hat because your hair is crazy, don't shave and run into 7-11 to get a cup of Joe. When you try to pay, the clerk says, "Edge, your money is no good here. Where's Bono?" Before you can correct him, your imagination begins to run wild...free beer? Autographing breasts? It's only a cup of coffee, right? So you mumble, "Cheers" in your best Irish accent, wink and walk out.
Psychological testing will figure out if you are in a fugue state (runaway bride-style), have multiple personality disorder (much less common than movies suggest), are psychotic (a dose of antipsychotics will help), a sociopath (love power and have no empathy) or if you are just your average antisocial catch-me-if-you-can ponzoi con artist. How much trouble you'll get into depends on where you decide to start living as your alter-ego.
In New York, you can get charged with Criminal Impersonation in the Second Degree - which is a Class A misdemeanor (the most serious misdemeanor offense) and punishable by up to one year in jail if you intentionally impersonate a real person for your own benefit (including getting laid) or in order to harm another person.
Under certain circumstances, impersonating a police officer or medical professional may constitute First Degree Criminal Impersonation - a Class E felony (the least serious felony charge) - and be punishable by up to four years. You don't even have to impersonate a real person or public official to get into trouble. Intentionally giving a fictitious name, date of birth or other information to a police officer (referred to as False Personation) can get you three months free room and board in the Empire State. Impersonation charges are usually coupled with more serious offenses - e.g., mail fraud or larceny - that carry even stiffer penalties.
Bottom line is that pretending you are a gay fashion icon from Austria might get you kicked off the runway in under 60 seconds, but impersonating a cop - mall cop to highway patrol will get you in an orange jumpsuit faster than you can say "auf wiedersehen, bitch."
My guess: as being recognizable and famous formally becomes a national obsession and as people become more disappointed with their own lives, we are going to see more innocent and not so innocent impersonations in 2010. Bummed you can't go to the front line of airport security pretending you are Paris Hilton? Oh well, at least Halloween is coming up.