If you’ve ever used WhatsApp, you’ve probably noticed that their options for profile status are pretty 2008: “Available,” or “Busy,” or even “At the movies.” (Seriously? Why not have “Winding my phonograph?” or “Voting for Stassen!”) Probably just another reason why all the kids and thirsty murderers stick with Kik. But I was thinking, if WhatsApp was ever going to update their status options...well, you know me, I try to be helpful.
Thus, in the nature of a PSA, here’s some more relevant WhatsApp status options:
-Ordering a FLOTUS baseball cap, but paying extra for the version without Melania’s muffled sobs.
-Screaming at America for being America, since America, wtf do you know about America!
-Tenderly cradling capitalism in my arms, as I wade through the rivers of what used to be a family’s life in Houston.
-Seducing the patriarchy.
-Wishing I was a showrunner.
- Feeling jealous of people who can still find the energy to summon outrage. Or, feelings.
-Wondering about people who rescue bats.
-Falling down rabbit-holes.
-Shopping Whole Foods for next-level guacamole for the upcoming witches’ coven, since you know Lana, only the best.
-Rejecting offers of jobs on LinkedIn, but at least willing to consider the hate-sex proposals.
-Blocking the United States of America. (Who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you!)
-Giving Canada the come-hither look but then, remembering Saskatchewan...
-Culturally appropriating the body electric.
-Dreaming of starting my life all over again as a burn book.
-Posting a Craigslist ad for cults with a good backstory and organized hierarchy.
-Wondering why it’s inspirational when someone like McGregor goes from welfare to beating people up. Is the inspiration the too-tight pants or the chance to fight a black guy? #askingforaculture
-Seeking end-of-the-world sex. Laughing bitterly and settling for end-of-the-world classic Simpsons’ references.
-Getting comfy on the trash-heap of history.
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