Do you want to find the love of your life but find yourself sabotaging relationship after relationship? Are you running from love? Do you know what the fear is that you are running from?
I hear over and over from people who email me: "I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man (or woman) and I'm pushing him (or her) away. I don't know why I'm sabotaging this relationship."
- Do you find yourself finding little faults with the other person right after you decide you really like him or her?
What's Really Going On Here?
What's likely going on is that you have a fear of losing yourself in the relationship. And the more you like the person, the bigger your fear of engulfment and commitment gets.
There are a number of reasons you might fear losing yourself in a relationship:
- You've been taught that you are responsible for another's feelings, especially someone you love. You believe that if your partner is unhappy, it's up to you to fix it, even if it means giving yourself up.
What all these fears come down to is a deep false belief that you have to give yourself up to be loved and to be seen as a caring person. Giving yourself up -- giving up your freedom to be yourself and do what brings you joy -- is a terrifying prospect. As long as you have these false beliefs -- and they might be unconscious -- you will likely find yourself running from love.
You will stop running from love when you are wiling to let go of trying to control how the other person feels about you by giving yourself up and instead risk being fully yourself. You can do this ONLY when you stop rejecting yourself.
How Are You Rejecting Yourself?
- Do you tell yourself that the other person's feelings are more important than yours and that you have to put yourself aside for the other person? This is a rejection of self.
As long as you are rejecting yourself rather than loving and valuing yourself, you will feel afraid of losing yourself in a relationship. You might want to do the inner work necessary to learn how to love and value yourself enough so that you are no longer running from love.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., is a relationship expert, best-selling author, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette, and featured on Oprah. To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" -- the first two weeks are free!
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