Feeling Again...

I believe it is true. It is true that some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lesson. But the reason may be to teach you a lesson only for a season. I was recently taught a lesson for a reason. My lesson was not quite around for a season, but close enough. I have been struggling with dating again. I wasn't ready to get back on that battle field and fight lies with a sword or tackle the trust issue after my last relationship ended on a bad note. I was feeling safe and sound tucked away in my house with my lap top pressed neatly on my lap as I watched my shows. The sun would rise and go down again and I was happy to remain pain free from the drama of an adult relationship full of baggage. But then my lesson showed up in the form of a light green eyed man with flawless skin. He appeared out of nowhere and he brought with him his sense of humor, independence and security of who he is as a man. He had his flaws and he never tried to hide them. He was honest and although I was taught to believe all men lie, this one didn’t. I never intended to feel anything for him other than a friendship but before I knew it, he was on my mind and I was pushing him out just as fast as he popped in. But then he grew on me and before I knew it, I felt safe talking to him. Before I knew it a smile spread on my face when his name splashed across my phone screen as he called me. I felt I was in trouble and scared. I didn't want to get hurt. But the way it formed was so slow, my worries were almost nonexistent and I was just enjoying the ride. I was enjoying the calls and text messages and the video chats. Laughing. Talking. Opening up and not being judged was new for me. Acceptance was new for me. Feeling safe was new for me. My feeling and connection grew a little each day for him and I was feeling proud of myself for letting myself feel again. I had been in an abusive relationship for a few years and feeling something for someone again was never part of the recovery plan. But here I was living, laughing, and feeling all at the same time. I had no idea what would come of this communication but I was willing to risk it and find out. When we met it was better than I expected. It was easy. I felt relaxed and at ease. I felt comfortable. I across from him listening to him talk, watching his lips move as each word gracefully left his tongue and I thought to myself,

“This is how it is suppose to feel”.

I smiled on the inside, sat back in my chair and got a little more comfortable with feeling again and I let myself. I paid attention. I listened. All of my senses were heightened that night, they were on the lookout for red flags. They turned up with nothing. No matter how hard they looked, they came back empty. It was a good feeling. A feeling I could get used to.

Things didn’t pan out for us. Life gets in the way and when the timing is off, it’s off. You cant fight it. You cant rush it. You have to plant a seed and let it grow. If you have the patience to wait to see if it grows, and it does, hold onto it. If you plant it and nothing buds, let it be. Let it go. Be patient your seed will grow with the right person at the right time. But you need to be patient.

I am happy I was taught that I can feel again. That I can smile again and I can feel safe again. Tonight as I sat outside close to the rushing river water, closed my eyes, took in the sounds and smells and I was wrapped up tight as the wind rushed my face with both sadness and hope. Sadness for the unknown and hope for the future.

Let yourself feel again. It may be the best thing you have ever done...