I'm grateful to live in an age where people can openly discuss intuition, astrology and all things energy. It hasn't always been that way along my journey. I experienced a lot of abandonment, abuse and exposure to violence in my youth. Consequently, I had your typical bout of acting out that was attributed to teen angst.
I never truly faced the pain and anger though, which resulted in experiences as an adult that brought me down that dark and lonely path. On this path, I adopted labels as my own. I was told that I was too sensitive. I was labeled with anxiety, major depressive disorder and PTSD. I became a science experiment for various therapies and medications. One day, I came to a fork in the road. One path required me to be medicated, numb and feeling like a zombie. The other path was just as scary, filled with nights of crying myself to sleep, not fitting in and thinking I was alone.
Hmm...to walk in the mob of zombies or in the dark completely alone? I decided I was better off dead and my myriad of medications would be the tool to get me there. These pills would be good for something after all!
As you might've gathered, since you're reading this article, I didn't succeed in ending my life. I finally decided that there had to be more to this life. I was pissed! I was determined to find a purpose, a will and value in my feeling too much.
I started choosing meditation over medication.
This is not to say that medication doesn't have a value and I know many people that use it daily with good results. For me, I found more peace through alternative healing modalities. While this new world of unicorns, rainbows and motivational memes was pretty sweet, I also felt shame around my darkness. What I do with this sadness when everyone is skipping along with Jiminy Cricket and always letting their conscious be their guide? If I am my thoughts, where the heck is this grief and shame stemming from. I didn't put this crap on my vision board. I would express my frustration and was met with well wishes of good vibes, light and love.
Great! What is so wrong with me that even in the unicorn village, I am feeling alone? Do these people cry at anything besides PETA commercials? I appreciated them sending me light and love, but it also left me sitting in my mental health consortium, isolating, sitting...alone.
Well, my friends...your vibe attracts your tribe. Yup, that whole Law of Attraction thing? Well, I didn't feel comfortable in my darkness, so I attracted a bunch of folks who denied, masked or stuffed down their own.
I'd love to say there was a magic pill, but what I found is that the answers are within.
"You've always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself." Glinda the Good Witch
One day you might unlock an answer through mediation. Another is through a challenging experience that empowered you to shift your mindset. Then this magical thing happens where you start to see the blessing in feeling all the feels. You're awake. You're whole in your light and your dark.
Swimming in the darkness and dancing in the light became my new jam. Feeling sadness? Well, let's take a look at that. Ooh, I have this tool belt with essential oils, intuition, Yoga Nidra, tapping and other amazing modalities! Which will I use to debunk this illusion of separation?Is the path now filled with puppies and rainbows? Nope. It isn't filled with hopeless nights and loneliness either. It's now a journey with many open paths.
This life is all about the balance. The yin. The yang. The good. The bad. The triumph. The struggle.
Would we be able to enjoy the new life that the Spring brings, if we didn't appreciate the death and dying of Fall. Fall isn't wrong or right. It just is. Just as we are.
True peace comes from releasing our grasp of the notion that dark is bad and light is good. This darkness that I experience is part of what makes me whole. In that case, is there really such a thing as 'feeling too much?' I came here to live, to feel! I'm a live for a reason and it's not to be complacent and masking my gifts because it makes others more comfortable or makes me feel normal.
"This is living a life of personal betrayal and regrets stick in your cell tissues." Carolyn Myss
Don't do that to yourself, sweet and sensitive soul! Be you! Feel all the feels! Honor your body and practice self-care. Show up, each and every magical day! You and your gifts are a blessing to this world!