Oh hay Pattorama. It's nice to see you again this week. You're looking very slim, probably due to your incessant weight-loss endorsements. That are very annoying. But you do look nice in your entirely pink ensemble, per usual. But Patts, really, don't you think it's a bit cliche that your "thing" is pink? I mean, it works for you honey, but you might want to graduate to a new color scheme. Just saying.
Anyway, this week there were people with a lot of money looking for the most attractive person money could buy. Let's delve in.
9:03 Leah: masculine energy, 27. Tough biatch, talks about garden hoes and shovels. Also has a child.
9:04 Jordan: short Jewish boy, 31. (He did respond promptly to my emails!) He looks like every boy on JDate. He's "5'9." He has bad ADD.
9:07: Meeting with Leah: Wants an artist, as well as an array of sex toys. We have masculine energy problems. She looks like a lady, and speaks with the vocabulary of Robert DeNiro. (Or Lil Wayne.)
OMIGOD DESHAWNE! Talking about ADD. As he drives Patti to meet Jordan. Deshawne is thinking how did he get this gig, and how does he get out of it.
9:10: Jordan sells celeb photos. He has dated the United Colors of Benetton, but is looking for his Special Syosset Sara. No blackberries or technology on the date. I like this, I should probably try it.
9:15: Leah & Jordan get together to have lunch. I wonder if she will rip his head off. Jordan is terrified to tell Leah that she might give him a right hook to the mug. There is a creepy body language/Asian rock specialist/masseuse/muu-muu sewer watching them. It was creepy.
9:20: Summary of findings: Nice Jewish Boy Jordan followed directions from an Overbearing Jewish Woman. Surprising. Leah YOU MAY NOT REMOVE A BEER FROM A COZY. OR ELSE YOU WILL NEVER FIND A MAN.
9:22: "Alternative and Alternative bang with each other. So I'm going to let Destin and Rachel pick the guys for Leah." Oh also, "food is the only other thing you can put in a woman." Cringe. I can never eat a rice ball.
9:32: Leah looks exactly like that girl from Brokeback Mountain, Kate Mara, the sister of Rooney Mara. Jordan looks like...everyone I know. Omg this guy is rapping about prescription pills I need to go run into a corner. And then pop some pills.
"What's likeeeee your passionnnnnnn, betches?" says Leah.
Leah picked balls boy & Double Trouble. Jordan picked Rosanna & Bernadette.
9:36: I seriously think that Leah is going on a date with something weird from John Galliano. These boys look like his twin boyfriends.
9:46: Jordan took Bernadette in a 'copter. I wonder what percentage of dates on Millionaire Matchmaker include a helicopter. I'd say 60%. The percentage of millionaires that wear ill-fitting khaki pants in said helicopters: 99.7%.
9:49: I am digging Will & Leah together. They're in Brooklyn. Tres un-Millionaire Matchmaker. They know the same Tino. THIS IS FATE. "Did we ever make out?" You have great game, Leah.
9:50: On the other end of the spectrum: wine-tasting with the Heebz. They're cute and spinner-y together.
9:56: Jordan & Bernadette lurve each other [ed note: He said they dated for two months in my interview, and then it didn't work out.]
9:58: Still in love with her BABYS DADDY. Oh well.
See you next week, with more Deshawne, screaming, and social ineptitude.