50 Shades of Almost 40

The gray hair on my chin is mocking me. I try to pluck it and miss. It cackles. This is one of the 50 shades of almost 40.

With the big day looming off in the not too distant future, I am coming to realize that 40 does not look like what I thought it would. It looks worse. It marks my official start to middle age and the beginning of the long dark descent into decrepitude. I'd lie awake and cry in despair except that exhaustion and poor mental aptitude also made the list. I am almost 40 and I cannot win without losing.

These are my 50 shades of almost 40:
  1. I have gray hairs.
  2. Including on my chin.
  3. They mock me.
  4. My only hope for plucking them lies in the use of a magnifying mirror and that vision is too scary to contemplate.
  5. I have bags on the bags under my eyes.
  6. They have been around so long that I have embraced them.
  7. I've even been known to use make-up to enhance them.
  8. I pretend the look is supermodel chic.
  9. Even though my expanding backside is more Kardashian than Klum.
  10. I've stopped trying to make my butt smaller and boobs firmer.
  11. Because I am closer to "Cougar" category than "MILF"
  12. And dear Lord, I am not ready to be a cougar.
  13. I watch the Saturday Night Live "Mom Jeans" skit and wonder why they don't actually exist.
  14. Because I get frustrated when I have to pull my maternity yoga pants back up every five minutes.
  15. But not frustrated enough to stop wearing them.
  16. Despite having not been pregnant in years.
  17. I don't care if my husband knows that I am still wearing them.
  18. I don't care if my friends know that I am still wearing them.
  19. Hell, they are still wearing them.
  20. That is reason #1 why we are friends in the first place.
  21. Reasons #2-Infinity why we are friends revolve around their willingness to drink wine at all hours.
  22. And while I am talking about wine, I've discovered that I do have a palette. And it does not like two buck chuck.
  23. But that's okay because at almost 40, I finally make enough to be able to afford something slightly nicer.
  24. I've learned to wait to start drinking until after 5:00 p.m.
  25. Somewhere in the world... the longitude and latitude of that place heavily depends on how badly my kids are behaving.
  26. The kids have done a real number on my biological clock.
  27. Some days I am sure that I am still 25 and others I'm convinced I'm 112. I am never, ever almost 40.
  28. Speaking of the kids, did I mention that my boobs and belly will never be the same again?
  29. And by that, I mean that they will be worse than they were before. Yes, I said worse.
  30. But hey, that's okay because I am almost 40 and NOT Sofia Vergara. No one at waterbabies cares how I look in a bikini.
  31. That doesn't mean that I don't wear a bikini. I'm almost 40, not dead. I'll wear a bikini or tankini or a maybe even a wet suit. I'll do whatever I want!
  32. I'm getting smart enough to recognize that some things make me happy and others don't.
  33. And old enough to say "screw you" to anything that falls into the latter category.
  34. And savvy enough to know how to do that without pissing off anyone I didn't mean to piss off.
  35. I really and truly "get" my mother now.
  36. I hear her words coming out of my mouth all the time, and I'm okay with that.
  37. When I was younger, I wanted to grow up and be just like my mom and her sassy friends. And lo and behold, I have done just that.
  38. Hmmm, maybe being almost 40 isn't so bad after all. I'm older and wiser.
  39. I'm not dead and buried.
  40. My biological clock has been put out to pasture.
  41. My social life has not. In fact, it seems stronger than ever.
  42. I've got amazing kids that are getting bigger and smarter and faster everyday.
  43. I've got a comfortable life.
  44. And a worn in, soft in all the right spots marriage.
  45. And pants that don't limit the number of chocolate chip cookies I can eat.
  46. I know who I am.
  47. I know who I love and I know they love me back.
  48. And I know where my place is in this world.
  49. And it is a pretty darned good place to be.
  50. On second thought, screw the chin hair. Maybe almost 40 isn't so bad after all.


(Originally posted on The Nomad Mom Diary)