Find the Calm (notes to my younger self)

Find the Calm (notes to my younger self)
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Fun night! (I think)
Fun night! (I think)
Wild thing... You make my heart sing. You make everything... groovy. -The Troggs

I wanted to make everyone’s heart sing. I wanted to make everything groovy.

I was a wild child. Well, no, not as a child exactly, as a twenty-something and for some time after that as well. I had serial relationships, some open relationships (where my partners remained closed - not ideal for anyone) I wasn’t always honest and I was mostly all about having a good time while simultaneously being intensely, romantically in-love with my soulmate du jour. I was a flower-child in the wrong era. A free-love loving hyperactive romantic. I was often called, “too much.” I was quick to bail on others when things got less thrilling. I was always looking for the next best thing and couldn’t sit still if my life depended on it. All of this made me feel like I was all revved up with no place to go, a Jack Russel Terrier, a spinning top in perpetual motion. It was exhausting.

Looking back, I see now that I could have been less abrupt with others and I could have been kinder. Because my self indulgent fun addiction was often reckless, I didn’t always play nicely with other people’s hearts. I’d like to teach my younger self a lesson or two. But I’m not going to scold her or berate her, I love her too much to try and shame her. I just want her to know that it’s really okay to stay in one place for a bit and take a breath or two. The world is not going to take off without her. She can be both fun and chill at the same time, It’s not binary.

The following are three steps to chilling out that I’d like to share with mini me. You know, in case she exists in a parallel universe or something. If you know someone who would benefit from some inner calm, feel free to pass this along.

1. Embrace your solo time

Throughout my twenties I was on a constant relationship ride, pausing briefly after one ended but only so I could switch roller coasters. Oh how I loved me some coupledom! If you're not in a relationship, maybe take the opportunity to get to know yourself better and if you are in a relationship, give yourself, and your partner, the gift of a wee bit of space. And I’m not talking about girl’s/guy’s night out. I’m talking about a you night out. Do something you love, alone, with yourself, come back home and tell your partner all about it. Creating space for yourself is giving you both the gift of inner freedom. Like Kilal Gibran says, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” I tell ya, that dude knows his stuff.

2. Party less, Remember More

Maybe for you it’s not partying. Maybe it’s eating, tweeting, texting or Netflix binging. Whatever the impulse for more is, see if you can hit the pause button and look up. Take some time to be fully aware and present with those around you. Not just because it’s healthier and saner but also because if you really pay attention to this moment you’ll be less likely in the future to forget about these good old days. Luckily, I have my friend Mikul to remind me about my 1990s shenanigans. But, you might not have a Mikul, so just to be safe, maybe ease up on the excess.

3. Meditate.

When I was younger I had some accidental mindfulness. I had a natural overall sense of wonder and appreciation for life, love, nature and art. But I also remember getting caught up in a whirlwind of doing, running, getting, over-thinking and zoning-out. For the past few years meditation has been a part of my daily life. A habit as necessary as brushing my teeth. Back in the day, if the benefits weren’t clear and immediate, I couldn’t appreciate it. But I now know that the benefits of learning to rule my own mind through meditation is a powerful tool. It’s helped me not only find some inner peace and calm but it’s also taught me how to interact with others better. I find myself pausing throughout my day and I’ve become more of a responder than a reactor to whatever life throws at me. It’s not alway easy, I’m not always successful, but at least I feel like I have some tools in my toolbox. These meditation tools have given me the ability to rule my own mind, to be in charge of my responses, and to be at the helm of my own ship.

I would tell my younger self all of the above, but she probably wouldn’t be able to hear me over the Counting Crows CD. Even if she could, she probably wouldn’t listen. That’s okay though, because maybe twenty years from now, I won’t have to go through all of this again. Because maybe she’s listening now.

For meditation info and videos visit my site DoGoodStuff.org and click on Mindfulness.

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