It's who I am.
"You don't do anything half way. You love in your relationships the way you played sports, the way you parent. It's not a bad thing; it's just who you are."
"From what I remember you are a fighter."
"It's not how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up."
"Even when you are sad you still are a magnet, people are still drawn to you and that's the scary part."
My entire life I've been known to carry a heavy load and like a cat seem to always land on my feet. I'm confident in so many areas, yet when it comes to my heart? Lately, I'm a hot mess.
"You are not allowed to date anyone that you have to fix. I want you to only focus on loving yourself."
I have a huge heart. I'm caring, thoughtful, stubborn, and impulsive. I feel things so deeply, though, that it can be hard to understand my reactions to things.
Some days I see it as a blessing. I can empathize and listen. I make people feel better. I'm a spark -- kind of like Larry Bird was on the Celtics backs in the 1980s. I elevate people to different levels. People rely on me for advice, for guidance.
I laugh with the best of them, but am in the minority when it comes to things I cry over. I tear up at Christmas Vacation when Chevy Chase watches old family movies trapped in the attic. I sob at the end of Planes, Trains and Automobiles when Steve Martin realizes that John Candy's wife has died and he has nowhere to go. I cry when I see an elderly couple sitting at a bar and he still rubs his hand down the small of her back.
I give and maybe I'm selfish because I want someone to match that level of giving. But not in the ways you might think. I want the texts throughout the day. I want random, picked-by-the-side-of-the-road flowers. I want a call, a date night I didn't set up. I want sex, to connect. I want to make out, to hold hands, walk in the woods, sit on a beach. Do nothing, do everything. Notes on the morning mirror fog. A cup of tea left in the car's cup holder to start the day.
I want exactly what I experienced in athletics. To go up against someone who works just as hard me. To have a worthy opponent to push me, make me work harder and take me to places I didn't think possible.
"Play it cool. Stop seeking validation in someone else."
That's not it. I hurt when I put myself out there and think, "This is great! This is going somewhere!"
Only to have it ripped away without warning after I've put in the time, the effort, the energy and given pieces of my heart.
Sh*t, of course it hurts and I'm not going to walk around and pretend it doesn't. There are enough people out there playing games without me joining the herd.
All it really means is I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's like finding a needle in a haystack but damn it, I refuse to alter or move the game pieces around to manipulate a situation to try and win someone's heart.
They either want to give it or don't. Does it suck when you've opened up your heart because you were led to believe this was more than a casual affair? Hell yeah! But I have to believe that there is someone out there who will finally get it, who will match my depth.
It's who I am.
It's written in the mirror's fog.