Do you feel 'at home' with the people in your life? Did you feel at home with your family?
While I currently feel very at home with the people in my life, I never felt that with my parents. I used to believe that I was adopted because of being so different than them -- except that I look like them.
It is important for all of us to find our tribe -- those people we resonate with -- especially if you don't have that with your family of origin. There is a deep sense of safety in being with people with whom you can connect.
One of my favorite things to do is to conduct five-day intensive seminars with small groups of 12 to 14 people. These people come from all over the world to attend these seminars. As they look around on the first day, nervous about being there, they feel anything but at home with each other. Yet, by the end of the second day, they feel completely at home with each other, comfortable with the wonderful tribal feeling of connection with each other.
The reason this happens is that the people who come to the intensive are there to learn, grow and heal. This is the common denominator that brings us together into a connected tribe. It is this intention that creates the sense of safety between us. We are not there to judge each other, to best each other, or to compete with each other. Instead, we are there to lovingly support each other in our learning, healing and growth.
We feel at home with people who support us in our highest good -- people who want the very best for us. While I'm sure that my parents believed they wanted the best for me, they had no idea how to do this. Because they had never learned how to support the best in themselves, their idea of supporting me was to try to control me rather than to love me. Obviously, they had a huge confusion between controlling and loving. As a result, they completely missed 'getting' me. We cannot feel at home with people who do not 'get' us, and they cannot get us when they are trying to control us.
"I See You"
Perhaps one of the reasons that the movie Avatar has been such a success is because of the fact that "Jake," the star of the movie, felt so at home with the aliens. And maybe he felt at home because the individuals in that civilization 'saw' each other. One of the things that people at my intensives often say to each other is, "I see you," -- just like they said to each other in Avatar.
Do you feel seen by the people in your life? One of the problems with being seen is that we often don't see ourselves. If you have learned to shut down to who you really are to protect yourself from rejection, then it is likely that your true self is currently hidden from you. Many of us learned to hide away our true, core essence when we were very young -- because of not feeling seen and valued for who we were. Due to very painful experiences of rejection, we may have decided that who we are is not good enough, and we went about hiding our wonderful essence and creating our ego wounded self -- to try to get love and avoid pain.
When we are not 'at home' within ourselves, then it is hard to feel at home with others.
What happens at the intensives, which creates such an at-home feeling, is that participants have the opportunity to rediscover their true, core self. As they do this, others get to see who they really are -- and to deeply value who they are. This is why they often feel like they are now with their true family, their tribe.
If you want to find your tribe, then first you need to rediscover your beautiful core essence. Once you experience a sense of at-home-ness within yourself, then you will have an easy time finding your outer tribe.
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