Five Cautionary Tales From Holiday Cartoons


Every year the holiday festive season comes crashing through the door and delivers a whole box of impossible expectations for the perfect Christmas. Rather than deal with it by actually getting the house clean and checking the decoration boxes for mouse poop, I hide on the sofa and watch old TV Christmas cartoons.

Have you ever thought about what lessons these shows are teaching? They seem heartwarming, but they should really be classified as cautionary tales. Here is what I've learned from watching Christmas specials.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

Watching this classic taught me that there actually is a scary ugly dude who will break into your house and steal your stuff. It is also clear that the justice system in Whoville is broken because in response to a criminal act, they sing. So at our house we hide all the gifts and our youngest child on Christmas Eve, just in case.

Frosty the Snowman

When building a snowman you should refrain from taking mind altering substances. I think it makes it possible for a pile of snow to start talking, and dancing. When the buzz wears off your new friend melts into a puddle and dies. Bad buzz, so maybe "stick to egg nog at Christmas" is the message here.

Charlie Brown Christmas

This show taught me not to buy an ugly scraggly little tree. Your friends will laugh at you and then politely pretend you aren't a little odd, but really they're thinking you are. It also might be because you always wear the same shirt.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Once again a seemingly innocent hero is actually an evil genius, and he has all the weird toys as his minions. I learned that when selecting playthings for purchase, make sure they aren't creepy. Check the packaging to ensure they haven't crawled into that plastic wrap all on their own. The may free themselves from your pretty sparkle wrapping at night and make like poltergeists in your house. You will dream of the days when all you had to worry about is that Elf on The Shelf creep.

Santa Claus is Comin' to Town

And finally, Santa himself. I tried to believe, I really did. I learned however that no matter what anybody tells you, a solid dose of skepticism is vital. It will keep you from becoming that fully grown adult sitting at the hearth on Christmas Eve in your footie pajamas gazing hopefully up the chimney waiting for the big red bum. Santa may streak across the night sky, but the laws of physics dictate that even if the big red suit is a compression garment, that old bugger isn't going to fit in the chimney. Also, the reindeer should be able to stop for a poop don't you think? They need a cloven hoof union.

This year I'm rounding up the kids to watch all the cartoons with me. We will look for the great life advice together and hopefully they don't have sugar plum night terrors. If all else fails, maybe they'll finally stop strapping antlers on our dog and making him pull an overloaded sleigh.