Five Life Lessons of Sustainable Change

Reflections on losing 200 pounds

“Who is that,” was my immediate thought when a picture of me weighing 386 pounds showed up in my Facebook timeline in January of 2010. Needless to say, I was devastated. At firs,t I didn’t even recognize myself. I had been living in denial about my morbid obesity and now there it was front, center and brutally honest. I could no longer control the message in my mind. Reality was here, and it wasn’t pretty.

I wasn’t alone. A study released by the Center for Disease Control’s National Center for Health Statistics in 2012 outlined that I was among the 35% of American adults who could be classified as obese in 2009. Even more shocking, 17% of US children were obese as well. For those of us paying attention that’s approximately 91 million men women and children all with an exponentially increased risk for developing heart disease, strokes, and diabetes, which were at the time the number One, Fourth and Seventh leading causes of death.

In my book 100 Small Steps: The First 100 Pounds (Morgan James 2015) I outline the psychological steps that were necessary for me to lose 168 pounds and effect sustainable, transformative change. In my journal notes, I found insights into unlocking my full human potential, breaking through years of dysfunctional coping mechanisms and sometimes crippling depression. There are in fact 100 steps, but they can all be summed up in these five key points.

1. – Know Why You’re Doing It

In his book Start With Why, Simon Sinek shares a phenomenal insight. “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.” Organizations that have the strongest and most successful brand loyalty do so by seeming to align themselves with their customers’ core beliefs. Once this connection is made, it’s almost impossible to break. I discovered that the same is true in our individual lives. I had to connect with my own “why I do it” in order to have the foundation necessary to accomplish the daunting task of losing the equivalent of a person in the fat layers attached to my body. Finding your why isn’t easy so here are some tips:

• Realize that there is power in “Why.” Formalize the exercise and discover your true self.
• It must come from within you and cannot be tied to circumstances that may change over time.
• It is more important than the how. How is about solving for x, here you are solving for “why.”

2. – Invite Positive Energy

When discussing the subject of team building, the phenomenally successful billionaire Ross Perot would say this. “I always search first for people who love to win. If I can’t find any of those, I look for people who hate to lose.” My friend Carrie Riggin says it even more succinctly, “Get rid of toxic people period!” You see at our deepest levels we know that the person we are today isn’t good enough to transform us into the conquerors of tomorrow. Mr. Perot was no fool. He chose the words he used carefully because he understood that it took two very different types of energy to accomplish either task. After having some very difficult conversations with individuals that seemed reluctant to support me on my journey, I decided to invite positive energy by:

• Learning how to meditate. Daily meditation allows you to reprogram your brain and helps to reduce stress which has been shown to be a cause of weight gain and depression.
• Confronting and exorcising my own “demons” through counseling. I made peace with my past and am learning how to jealously guard and defend my joy.
• Reinventing and invigorating my personal brand. You would be surprised how small gestures like adding color to your wardrobe, not hiding in “fat clothes”, and wearing a pocket square boost your confidence and draw positive energy to you.

3. – It’s Going to Hurt … Get Over It!

I’m not going to lie to you, I cried a lot. So much so that my children started to notice. My then six-year-old daughter found me crying on the stairs one day and asked why. I told her how I was so angry at myself for being so fat and out of shape. She put her arm around me and and asked me a question.

“Remember when I kept falling off my bike and skinning my knees?” I said “Yes baby girl, I do. You would cry and I would hold your hand until you felt better.” She then asked me, “Do you remember what you told me about the next time? You said the next time I wouldn’t cry so much because I already knew it was going to hurt, and after a while, it wouldn’t even hurt anymore. After that, I could take chances and fall all I wanted. You already know it’s going to hurt. Right, Daddy?” With tears still in my eyes, I looked at my wise and wondrous six-year-old daughter and said simply, “You’re right baby, I do. Thank you for reminding me.”

Guess what, it still hurt the next day but I was determined to get over it and as I did, I realized, or shall I say, remembered a few more things.

• I had to stop the domestic violence against myself. Being mentally abusive was counterproductive and served only to keep me in my current state.
• Pain is part of the journey. I had to learn to embrace it in order to conquer it.
• It’s only temporary. It won’t last forever. If I just keep punching, win, lose, or draw eventually the fight will be over.
• Sustainable, transformative change demands something from us and of us. There is a price to be paid. I just needed to make peace with the value proposition.

4. – Be Held Accountable

Accountability is defined as “An obligation or willingness to accept responsibility, or to account for one’s actions.” Somewhere along the line, we confused this proactive and healthy approach for the drill sergeant version of judgment and shame. Accountability is not judgment nor shame, but a covenant made to accomplish higher goals. It looks, sounds and feels different. It is empowering to everyone involved and doesn’t require a recovery period after being berated because you, like all human beings fail. True accountability is governed by the “Covenants of Community” which are Truth, Trust, and Transparency, none of which can exist without constant communication. When we take back the definition of accountability and place it in the proper perspective, we no longer dread being held accountable, but desire and embrace that:

• Accountability is critical to your success
• Accountability is not judgement nor shame
• It sounds and feels different
• Accountability Is empowering

5. – Partner With Professionals

The old adage is true, “A closed mouth never gets fed.” As we age and the stresses of life become more overwhelming, we need to recognize when our own knowledge and abilities have reached their limits. Your doctor, counselor or coach is there to help you achieve the healthy outcomes that you desire, but remember, it is up to you to advocate for the best possible care and the only way to do that is to be an active participant. This is why it is important for you to:

• Know your numbers! Get that bio-metric screening every year and track your progress over time especially your:

1. Blood glucose
2. BMI, Weight
3. Cholesterol, Triglycerides
4. Blood pressure
5. Waist circumference

• Seek Counseling if necessary. According to the National Institute of Mental Health in 2014 approximately 1 in 5 adults experiences some type of mental illness (mostly depression) in a year so you’re not alone.
• Hire a trainer or a coach. It is important for you to invest in your wellness like any other endeavor
• For women, on top of the yearly bio-metric screening if age appropriate make sure to schedule and complete a biennial mammogram. This is critical to catching any issues early.
• For Men, with prostate cancer being the most frequently diagnosed cancer in America, the American Cancer Society is now recommending regular prostate exams for Men starting at age 40 rather than 50.

It has taken me 5 years to find and refine my “Why,” and just as long to implement these lessons as part of my daily life. Sometimes I fail and that’s totally OK because failure is part of the growth process. I invite you to find your “Why,” share it with anyone who will listen, celebrate every incremental victory, and enjoy the changes that come.

Previously published on The Good Men Project Read more at 100 Small Steps