Five Things Not To Say To Someone In Bereavement

Five Things Not To Say To Someone In Bereavement
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Boston Museum of Fine Arts

Boston Museum of Fine Arts

Kristin Meekhof

Chances are you know someone in bereavement, and regardless of the cause of death or how well you know this person, you may be wondering just what to say. While you may have the very best of intentions there are some comments which can cause unintentional harm and might even create a rift.

Here are five things not to say to the bereaved:

1. Give it time you will feel better. Time is really just the title of a magazine. After speaking with over 100 widows (for my book and at book talks) I can confidently tell you that there is not a specific time frame for healing. In other words, just because for example, twelve months have passed, the bereaved doesn’t just feel better.

2. Think positive thoughts. All the positive psychology and well wishes do not bring comfort to the bereaved. Save the smiles and motivational platitudes for your friend running a marathon because this is not the time. The one thing the bereaved are positive about is that they are struggling.

3. At least you have memories. This may seem like an innocent comment but what the bereaved hears is that this is all they have. The very words “at least” can be come across as you minimizing their loss. And thinking about the memories from the past can actually bring more tears.

4. This will make you stronger. Many things in life build character and can transform a person; however, this is not the time to encourage the development of emotional strength. Getting through a funeral for many can take a physical toll on the bereaved. This comment can be perceived as insensitive.

5. Everything happens for a reason. This comment can come across as judgemental. While you may not mean for it to be abrasive, you don’t know the future. You don’t know their deepest pain. The bereaved most likely will have many dark moments ahead of them and imposing a philosophical viewpoint isn’t the most helpful.

Instead, show up for the bereaved. Don’t assume that they will reach out to you if they need help. Sometimes, helping with practical things, like house keeping matters, can relieve stress and in turn help the bereaved. Be sure to follow up months after the funeral. Many people make promises at the funeral, but few actually follow through. Social support can be a positive force in healing and will be remembered.

Kristin Meekhof is a licensed master's level social worker, writer, and speaker. She is the co- author of the book, "A Widow's Guide to Healing" with cover blurbs from Deepak Chorpa, MD, FACP and Maria Shriver. Kristin is a contributor to the book, "Live Happy" and has authored over seventy pieces on well- being for various platforms. In March 2017, she will attend the UN women's CSW- 61 conference at the United Nations headquarters, and will be a panelist at the Harvard Medical school's writing conference.

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