Five Things You Can Do to Prevent the Outbreak of All-Out War at Your Thanksgiving Dinner Table

Five Things You Can Do to Prevent the Outbreak of All-Out War at Your Thanksgiving Dinner Table
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If Americans can agree on anything this Thanksgiving Day of 2017, perhaps it’s the fact that it’s been a very long time since we’ve seen a year marked by such deep divisions across our society on political and social issues. Divisions so serious, so personal—and as a result, so emotional—they pose a threat to friendships and family relationships. So that’s the year we’ve had.

However, after dealing with yams and pumpkin and cranberry late into the night, I for one am not about to let the Thanksgiving dinner my daughter and I spent hours planning become a casualty of this dreadful climate. Basically, we’ve worked hard on the dinner. Now it’s time to put a little effort into a communications strategy that will keep the peace.

I’ve just watched a piece on MSNBC in which a psychotherapist suggested we learn how to listen better and possibly even meditate before the festivities start today, in hopes of laying the groundwork for a conflict-free holiday dinner. Maybe that’s great advice for a long-term approach to improving family dynamics, it’s not what many of us need today. Let’s face it, we don’t live in a culture where people understand how to discuss politics without making it personal. We can’t change that by dinnertime.

What we can do by dinnertime is develop a pro-active crisis avoidance strategy. As a communications strategist, here’s my approach, modified specifically for “household use” in America on Thanksgiving, in hopes we can hit the pause the button on our nasty national debate for, if not a whole day, then at least long enough to rave about the pumpkin pie and maybe even the chance to sit down and talk about something other than the news.

First, you need to make it a priority to actively develop a plan to head off disaster. If you genuinely want peace today you must accept the fact that you’re going to have to devote some time to creating a peace plan that should consist of more than just a quickly whispered prayer that goes something like, ’let’s cross our fingers no one mentions the President.’ If you’re serious about peace, you must consciously work on a plan in advance that will anticipate arguments, manage conversations, identify troublemakers, and create diversions. Trust me, this plan is do-able, and indeed probably much easier than making perfect pie crust or a sweet potato soufflé. But you have to do it.

Second, we communications folk always start by analyzing our audience: Identify the potential troublemakers you have to keep an eye on, along with the potential peacemakers you can recruit as allies and spokespeople. I just saw an NPR poll suggesting that nearly 60% of Americans say they dread any mention of politics on Thanksgiving. Well, they’re not the sixty percent you have to worry about. That still leaves a sizeable minority –more than a third of us—who are more or less spoiling for a fight. These are the troublemakers for whom we are making today’s strategy.

In my family, key troublemakers would include my dad, a wonderful 88-year unreconstructed leftist who is incendiary even when the Democrats run things. So, these days, of course, he’s a Roman candle ready to go off with even the tiniest spark. Really, no spark at all is required. This is a year of spontaneous combustion. And since I’m my father’s daughter, I’m another high-risk Thanksgiving troublemaker, ready with talking points that might easily win an argument, but could just as easily spoil diner. My brother-in-law, on the other hand, is a natural peacemaker, and a gentle diplomat who knows how to steer conversations that lurch toward disaster back toward the middle of road. We need to find the peacemakers among us and recruit them for the cause. And watch the troublemakers for warning signs.

Third, you need to develop strategic messaging. To be proactive, take the troublemakers aside and tell them with equal measures of kindness and resolve that no political arguments will be tolerated and that, indeed, you want to be a be able to rely on them to help extinguish any little brushfires that may break out. You might even offer them the opportunity to reconvene at a later a date just to have a real political discussion. But be firm: that discussion will not take place today.

Fourth, develop pivots away from conflict, and share them with your peacemakers. Use phrases like, ‘We’re taking a break from all that today (“all that” may have to cover everything from Washington to the NFL.) Make your pivot short and sweet. Pivots are fast. Like in basketball. A quick, “Whoa, we’re having politics night on Saturday. Please come back then! Today’s all about peace.” Share your anti-conflict strategy with one or two people who can help you implement the plan and prep them with the pivot phrase.

And finally—here’s where your creativity can shine just as brightly as in your incredible cranberry truffles: provide irresistible alternatives to conflict in the form of conversation topics that can arrest the development of fights and create zones of neutrality, such as:

Kids. Nothing is universal, but our enjoyment of talking about the kids in our lives is close to it. Make sure you give everyone, particularly the troublemakers, an entrée to brag a little about what their kids are up to. Having already admitted I’m a troublemaker, I can also attest to the power of a conversational shift toward talking about my kid, and listening as others do the same. If you have kids around the table, draw on their genuine warmth and innocence to keep he conversation grounded in things we all love.

Community, or, even better, a humorous anecdote about the community. I have developed a little inventory of interesting local facts and stories that are fun to share with out-of-towners. My favorite is a local headline from earlier this year that featured a bear peering through a screen door into someone’s house, with the headline, “Bear Surprises Woman Baking Brownies.” You need to find your own bear story, and have it ready.

Heroes. If you volunteer, or if you know of local organizations that make life in your community better, this can be a great topic with direct relevance to the very meaning of Thanksgiving. If you are short of material, visit Humans of New York for some ideas. Universally uplifting stories have a place in our lives, and there is no more appropriate day of the year than today to take a minute to share a moving story about emotions and struggles we all share. If you need a conversation starter, look up the ‘Chainsaw nun’ who helped Hurricane Irma cleanup and was honored by the Miami Heat.

Pets are another area of common ground that can briefly bring even bitter enemies together. People will discuss their pets at the drop of a hat, so be ready to ask your guests about the animals that make life on earth positively wonderful. My daughter will be dressing up the Jack Russel, Pip, for dinner. My sister-in-law has two new ponies named after Disney princesses whose pictures we can pass around and adore. Someone will have to stand guard to protect the turkey on the counter from our beloved lab, Mrs. O’Shea. Talking about pets today is one of the best strategies available to diffuse potential conflict. Who wants to talk about Congress when they can talk about their cat? Exactly.

Art, Science, Technology. Just because you’re avoiding politics, it doesn’t mean your conversation needs to lack intellectual depth. If kids and critters aren’t your thing, you can establish fascinating zones of neutral conversation grounded in science, art, and technology. Talk about the new Tesla Roadster (0 to 60 in 1.9 seconds?), a new brain implant that’s being used to improve human memory (a real life “Johnny Mnemonic”), the genes of a small Indiana Amish community may be the key to our genetic fountain of youth, or what about personalized cancer vaccines that just became a reality. Or take a moment to remember the music artists we’ve lost this year, from Della Reese to Tom Petty to David Cassidy. Be thankful we’re all around to have a conversation.

If it’s worth the effort to bring people together to celebrate Thanksgiving, it’s worth a few minutes to plan for a conflict-free holiday. We can do it! And as a long-time trouble-maker, I’m going to keep the peace today. Happy Thanksgiving!

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