I want to redo my kitchen counters. Nothing fancy, nothing too expensive. Just use this really cool paint that adheres to the existing countertops. I used to be able to just run to the hardware store and pick up whatever I needed when I wanted to tackle a DIY project. I used to not have to think about spending money when I wanted to do something. I used to come up with amazing ideas and not worry about the cost to do them. I used to get just about anything I wanted whenever I wanted, back before my divorce, where he got the cash and I got assets.
I used to…
Stop. Right. There. That’s a hell of a lot of ‘I used tos’. And those ‘I used tos’ lead to other negative thoughts and before I know it my depression kicks in and I’m sleeping for three days. ‘I used to’ is in the past. I can’t go back and change anything. With a lot of self-reflection over the past few months I’ve decided I’m tired of living in the past and the ‘I used tos’.
So, I am forcing myself to learn how to live in the here and now.
And this is a VERY difficult concept for me. I’ve always been one to either dwell in the past or focus on the future. Being in the moment is as foreign to me as speaking Portuguese while flying with my arms.
So screw the countertops. They will get done when they get done and I’m not going to bitch and moan over not being able to do them right now. Every situation is temporary. This has become my mantra. Instead I will focus on what I DO have, and what I CAN do, in the here and now. And I will remember how fluid circumstances can prove to be.
I have a wonderful home to live in. It is now a happy place. I have three great kids, even if two of them are a bit lost right now. But I am not focusing on that.
I have people who love me, even when I don’t love myself, or can’t love myself, for whatever reason. I have a job I love and enjoy and enough money to pay my bills. I have a stocked refrigerator and do not have to think about where my next meal will come from.
I have my depression under control. This is a huge challenge for me. Today I am happy and content. I will not worry about tomorrow and if my happiness and contentment will still be around. I have money to buy my medication and health insurance to maintain my peace of mind.
So as I go into this season of gratitude, I will be thankful in each moment, for who I am and what I can control. I will take each breath I’ve been given and will focus on my happiness in the present instead of worrying about what could happen in the future or what has happened in the past.
And I will be content.