Easter week has given me some time to think long and hard about my life, and the role I play as a father in our home. I have recently come to some profound realizations which are fundamentally personal but which I want to share with HuffPost, I suppose in some manner of confession.
I was born a Democrat. My father was a Democrat as was his father and my great-grandfather, too. I guess I never really questioned the values of the Democratic Party when I was a child. I just felt probably that because my family felt that way, the Democratic policies must be right. I never really thought through the arguments against passing the Civil Rights Act. Nor the well-reasoned Republican criticism of minimum wage laws, protection of farm workers, health care, shelter, and early learning for the poorest children in the United States. I took almost for granted that the rights of women should be protected as equally as the rights of men. I treated as a foregone conclusion that workplaces should be protected by safety regulations and that the big corporations should not be allowed to dangerously pollute our environment.
I awoke this morning, though, feeling very shaky in my marriage because of this whole gay-marriage thing, and really worried about whether we had sufficient tanks in Europe to defend against a Russian invasion of France. As I waited in line at Starbucks I thought about the real possibilities that the Democrats tax and spend politics could soon create breadlines across the country.
And so, I am announcing today that I have become a Republican.
We simply cannot afford to take the risk that gay marriage will destroy all marriage. I know now that health and safety regulations are not needed -- the market will take care of it -- who would want to work in a job that is unsafe? Of course women will just have to fight for themselves the way we men have always done. If a woman is really doing the same work as a man I am sure employers will pay her the same salary.
And the sequester? Come on... how bad could that be? It would force spending cuts, and that is what we really need.
Every thinking American must realize that the health care system is fine the way it is. Elderly patients should be grateful to the companies that created their drugs instead of complaining about paying thousands of dollars every month to the wealthiest corporations. And, who could doubt that the economic downfall under the Bush administration is the fault of the Democrats. It is so obvious!
The Democrats built all of those bridges during the Roosevelt administration and now they are trying to force us to pay to repair them! Outrageous!
I believe that the Iraq War will be seen a generation from now as one of the most brilliant foreign policy actions of the United States since World War II. And I don't think any serious analyst doubts that the failures after Katrina were entirely the fault of Democrats. Who can doubt that a determined policy of self-deportation is the best way to fix our immigration crisis.
I know there are those critics who say that the fence constructed along portions of our border with Mexico cost taxpayers more than National Health Care. And that the fence does not work. But isn't a gigantic fence worthwhile, as a symbol at least?
And so, I urge all of you who see clearly to join me on this April Fools' Day, and become a Republican.