For Humanitarian Reasons, Please Free Jane Hall From The Factor

I had contemplated many headers for this column.

My favorite was "Jane Hall: O'Reilly's Ashley Alexandra Dupré"

But you don't screw a good woman when she's down...unless you're willing to fork over $4,500 an hour.

And...for the humiliating liberties O'Reilly takes with Hall on The Factor, I would hope she receives plenty, though with Bill, it rarely lasts more than five minutes.

See. It works on so many levels.

But it's also so mean and Jane Hall seems a decent sort.

If she wasn't she wouldn't appear to be in so much pain...though who wouldn't be under the weight of an abusive bully who obviously delights in demeaning his paid trysts.

Oops. There I go again.

Hall is a Fox News Channel contributor and if Wikipedia is correct (and really, when is it not?), she is also an associate professor in the School of Communication at American University. But her biggest face-time is when she appears weekdays with Bernie Goldberg on the ingeniously named "Weekdays With Bernie & Jane," a three-way on The O'Reilly Factor. She is surmised to be the balance to Goldberg's right slant and Bill's fair. Watching the suffering of poor Hall was like watching Woody Allen, wearing a plastered-on smile, as a hack comic explains his act. Painful.

Of course when she does try to actually balance the segment, Bill has accused Hall of lying.

Last night the segment meant to lambast Obama for not coming on Fox and The Factor, lasted a bit over five minutes. Goldberg was asked twice as many questions as Jane. Bernie spoke for 2:30 with only one interruption for Bill to agree that Obama was no Lincoln and should appear on The Factor.

Jane was asked one question and spoke for a total of 56 seconds, in which she was interrupted by Bill four times, the first interruption coming in a full 13 seconds in.

56 seconds and Bill was finished with Jane. Now I can't say for sure that Jane didn't truly enjoy her almost-minute roll with Bill. Who wouldn't enjoy being paid to be belittled by a legally-confirmed abuser.

At the end of the segment Bill said he loved both Bernie and Jane. Could a girl ask for any more after a glorious 56 seconds? I mean, besides cash.

But my guess is that Jane had the opportunity, she'd like to be in a committed relationship with someone who treated her with respect. You know, someone who she would be with even if she wasn't being paid.

There must be someone out there who could free the poor girl from her life of shame. She's got to be someone's daughter. She could be your daughter...I mean if you're in your eighties.

Please, someone, hire her in a place where she wouldn't be ashamed to tell her parents she works.

George Soros? Jon Stewart? Bueller? Anyone?

There's got to be a publisher outside of Regenry who would pay plenty to hear Jane's story.

Until then...Jane, be brave. We know what you're going though and we're trying to get through Fox Security to save you. Bear up. We all have had to do things we're not proud of. Keep smiling and keep notes.

And when you think of it, pull on your ear so that we know you're okay.

You're in our prayers.

Award-winning television writer and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful," Steve Young' s "All The News That's Fit To Spoof" appears in L.A. Daily News opeds every Sunday on the same page with Bill O'Reilly's...really.