For My Daughter, On Her First Birthday

10/19/2012 02:25pm ET
Number one birthday candle on a pink cupcake on a wooden table

Hey, baby.

It's a little challenging to come up with meaningful advice for you, because you're only a year old. If you were, you know, twelve, I'd be great at this (ignore those bitches! flip 'em off! there is no such thing as a "permanent record," not one that involves grade school niceties, at any rate). I've got your back, though. My cousin and I were talking the other day about how much being a tween sucked, and she remembered that one day she told my mother that other girls were mean to her, and my mother (your gran) said: "POINT THEM OUT TO ME, AND I WILL GOUGE THEIR EYES OUT WITH MY FINGERNAILS." And it really meant a lot to her, even though she didn't want to actually sic my mother on a pack of bitchy little girls.