Forbearance – the quality of someone who is patient and able to deal with a difficult person or situation without becoming angry. — Miriam Webster English Learner’s Dictionary
My attention was grabbed by a Houston woman being interviewed on the radio after hurricane Harvey. She had lost most everything in her house and was uncertain the house itself could be salvaged. “But my loved ones are safe,” she said. Pressed, she went on, “I’m sad and have a lot of work ahead of me. But,” she repeated, with feeling, “my loved ones are all safe.” Asked what she was going to do, she said, “Take one step at a time.”
The word forbearance came to my mind… an old-fashioned virtue. Not sure of what it meant, I looked in the dictionary. Basically, forbearance is patience, fortitude, and acceptance under trying circumstances, not allowing the trials of life to steal our joy.
This week I received a stunning e-mail from my friend Michael, who is dying of glioblastoma, a type of brain cancer. He detailed the progression of the disease, and the treatments he’s received. Then he wrote that he was preparing to transition to the next world and hoped “to serve as an example for everyone of a dignified passing on.” Forbearance embodied.
Everyone I know has some difficulty, challenge or sadness in their life. The question is – how do we live these realities? If it’s not an illness or a natural disaster, it could be a child or a parent going through a difficult stage, or conflict with a spouse or boss. It could be addiction in a friend, family member or colleague.
For 25 years I worked in addiction treatment. I saw hundreds of people learning to live clean and sober. To do that requires cultivating forbearance. Perhaps the Serenity Prayer, which so many recovering people treasure, is the formula for forbearance:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
This prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, doesn’t suggest we just lie down and take it. We’re challenged to do everything we can. AND to accept the things we cannot control. Forbearance at work.
Add to forbearance the practice of gratitude and you have a winning formula for living and for dying well. Forbearance gives us a resilient spirit.
COACHING QUESTIONS
- How accepting are you in times of trouble?
- How well do you tolerate what you cannot control?
- How do you use patience and self-restraint to calm your emotions?
- When is the most recent time you’ve been patient and forgiving with others?
- Do you humbly learn from your mistakes?