Forgiveness is important and easy. —Greg Hudson
Try this Birthday Tradition: The birthday person is interviewed… asked to give the highlights of their year, their hopes, dreams, observations. Then the birthday person gets to turn the tables and ask some questions.
My daughter Lisa’s family has done this for years. Recently, on granddaughter Ruthie's 18th birthday, the family did their traditional interview. Then Ruthie asked her dad, "What do you know now that you wish you knew when you were 18?" Greg answered, "Forgiveness is important and easy."
This answer struck me as so profound, I called and asked Greg to flesh it out for me.
Me: “What makes forgiveness so important?”
Greg: “Forgiveness is important if you want to stay connected to yourself and people you care about.”
Me: “What happens if we don’t forgive?”
Greg: “I think we repeat the same toxic relationship that got our feelings hurt in the first place. Over and over.”
We talked about how this happens with family members, friends and work colleagues. And then how we often nurse the wound, gather evidence, and recruit others to commiserate with us.
I asked why he called forgiveness “easy.”
“Once you’ve done it,” he mused, “it’s easy to do again and again. It gets easier with practice.”
We pondered together what might prepare us to forgive. We agreed that both a willingness to let go of the resentment/grudge, and a willingness to forgive yourself help. Also, knowing the payoff – that you’ll feel reconnected – makes forgiving someone worth it.
Greg gave me an example from his recent life. Lisa, his wife/my daughter, said something that made him feel stupid. He huffed around for a short time. Then he realized this was inconsequential compared with all of the good connection they have with each other. Besides, he’s also said things that made others feel stupid. So he just dropped it, and felt reconnected with Lisa. Easy. Important.
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. —Catherine Ponder
So forgiveness also frees us. From the burden of feeling victimized. From anger that eats us. From the past, which we cannot change anyway. Forgiveness unties the knot that lays claim to our heart and saps our energy. Forgiveness allows us to move forward.
Beyond Forgiveness
Maybe forgiveness is not even the best word... it still makes one right and the other wrong. Jo Berry, whose father was killed in Northern Ireland by the IRA in 1984, wanted her father’s death to have some meaning. When Patrick Magee, the man who was responsible for her father’s death, was freed from prison, she set out to know him. To put a human face to the enemy. Courageously they have become peace activists together. After hours and hours of conversation, Jo was able to say,
I’m beginning to realize that no matter which side of the conflict you’re on, had we all lived each others’ lives, we could all have done what the other did.
Maybe the thing we all need to learn is to see the full humanity in each other. Then there would be nothing to forgive.
COACHING QUESTIONS:
Think of a person toward whom you hold a grudge or resentment. Then ask:
- What is the quality of your connection to the person you’re resenting?
- Would you rather feel peacefully connected to the person?
- How willing are you to let go of whatever you’re holding onto?
- How can you see the other person’s humanity?
- How can you see your own?
- How can you free yourself to move forward?