Men of the world, here's a piece of advice: There are many ways to bring happiness to your Johnson, but sticking a fork into it isn't one of them.
Just ask this 70-year-old Australian man who was rushed to the hospital after he attempted that very feat:
According to a report published in the International Journal of Surgery Cases earlier this month, the Canberra man was admitted to the hospital with "bleeding urethral meatus" after he stuffed a 4-inch fork into his urethra in an attempt to "achieve sexual gratification."
Fortunately, the report says the fork was successfully removed using forceps and "copious lubrication."
According to the report's authors, this isn't the first time that a man has attempted to insert a foreign object into his nether regions. Pens, safety pins, telephone cables, glue, cocaine, straws, marbles, light bulbs, carrots and snakes, among other strange things, have allegedly been found stuck in penises in the past.
"It is apparent that the human mind is inhibited let alone creative," the authors concluded.
Needless to say, wedging objects into one's penis is a hazardous activity. According to a 2010 study on the subject, the "urological consequences of this type of behavior can be significant and the implications for patients can be serious including death from sepsis."
(Read the full report here. WARNING: The report includes a terrifying -- and GRAPHIC -- image of the fork being removed. We do not recommend viewing it on a full stomach.)