"There were 100 people at the memorial." "250 people showed up at the funeral." "1,000 people came to pay their respects at the wake." What a beautiful tribute it is when family and friends gather to honor and memorialize the person who died. It can be a true testament to how many lives were touched by the individual.
And yet some families choose to be very private about the ceremony they hold. In the 22 years I have been with OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center, I have heard thousands of grievers talk about meaningful funeral and memorial rituals. When I met Brad last month, I was touched by the beauty of the intimate service he described.
"I didn't want to have to act as host on the day of my mother's burial," Brad explained. "I wanted something deeply meaningful and personal...just for us." So he and his family decided it would be just the four of them, Brad, his wife and their two grown daughters.
The four mourners arrived at the cemetery and received their memorial ribbons from the mortuary staff. They pinned the black ribbons over their hearts and tore them. "The symbolism of tearing the ribbons," explained Brad, "was an outer reflection of our torn/broken hearts."
Holding on to each other for support, Brad and his wife went in to identify Mama's body. The simple wooden casket was in a small private living room. They touched the top of the closed coffin tenderly before opening it to see Mama's tiny body, face peaceful, hair neatly coiffed, wrapped respectfully in a plain white cloth. They touched Mama's brow and place photos and artifacts beside her. They felt honored to close the casket themselves and follow the hearse to the graveside.
Brad described how, in ceremonial fashion, he and his wife were pallbearers, the girls following behind. Placing the casket at the grave, they retreated to the shelter of a tent that was set up for the family. As Brad recounted the details to me, I could almost hear the music floating peacefully through the quiet cemetery as he and one of his daughters began the service playing some of Mama's favorite music on their violin and flute.
No different than if there were crowds of people present, Brad read his eulogy extoling what a wonderful mother, mother-in-law, grandmother and great-grandmother Mama had been. He recalled childhood memories, trips they had taken, and the positive influence she had on all their lives. "She had an amazing way of making everyone feel so good about themselves."
As they recited a closing prayer, the casket was lowered into the ground. One by one they each ladled three shovels-full of dirt into the grave and tossed in magenta, orange and blue flowers from their garden...the bright combination of colors that Mama loved. The service concluded with the playing and singing of one final piece of favorite music as the mourners embraced one another and allowed their tears to fall.
If I had any preconceived ideas that a funeral needed to be a public commemoration attended by large numbers of people, Brad's description of their unique service for his Mama convinced me otherwise. I invite you to share your ideas and experiences about the kind of memorial that is most meaningful to you.
Fredda Wasserman, MA, MPH, LMFT, CT, is the Clinical Director of Adult Programs and Education at OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center, one of the nation's most respected centers for grief support and education. Fredda presents workshops and seminars on end of life and grief for therapists, clergy, educators, and medical and mental health professionals at locations throughout the country. She is the co-author of Saying Goodbye to Someone You Love: Your Emotional Journey Through End of Life and Grief. Recognized as an expert in death, dying, and bereavement, Fredda has devoted her career to life's final chapter.