Four Reasons We'll Survive the Trumpocalypse

It’s been five days since “The Debacle” and I figure it’s worth weighing in before Armageddon gets into full-swing. My entire peer group has been in a state of shock – like the Walking Dead but slightly better dressed. And every time I greet someone with an obligatory “Hey, how ya’ doin?” people ACTUALLY tell me how they’re doing!

They’re not doing well. In addition to the baseline plans for “an extended vacation in Canada,” I’m hearing liberal yoga-bunnies talking about whether they should buy a firearm, and plotting where to hide their kids when the internment camps open. Before we hand the country entirely over to Smith & Wesson, I think there are a few things worth keeping in mind.

Let’s start with the basics and the disclaimer. The Basics: chances are there won’t be internment camps for Muslims, Mexicans or Nasty-Women-Who-For-Some-Reason-Don’t-Want-to-Be-Groped-By-Third-Rate-Celebrities. I’ll explain why in a minute.

The Disclaimer: in the event that some of y’all DO wind up in an internment camp…uh, my bad.

First off I think it’s completely normal & probably the sign of a healthy brain to be freaking the hell out that we just elected a reality TV star to the Presidency. It’s as good a sign as any that we’re all screwed and the end is nigh. But in these end-times, I can’t help but think of all the end-times that came before us. In honor of them I’d like to consider four of the impending Plagues that may help us make the leap from this Apocalypse to the next:

Plague 1 – Pestilence

Obamacare is toast. Republicans have been gunning for it from the very beginning and now they finally have a chance to “repeal & replace” it. Since they now control ALL branches of the Federal Government they have full power and authority to get rid of it and install the much better solution they’ve been preparing in painstaking detail over the last 8 years of whining. And we know they most definitely do have a better plan, since they’ve had 8 long years to come up with it. That plan totally takes into account the political impact of kicking 20 million people off their Health Insurance, instantly creating 20 million hardcore Democratic voters.

If they don’t repeal Obamacare in its entirety the GOP should at least get rid of the individual mandate, aka The Godfather of Tyranny. This of course means coverage for pre-existing conditions is history, and the insurance rolls will be full of old, sick people, because young healthy ones won’t pay for insurance they don’t need until they get sick. When they DO get sick, they’ll by definition have a “pre-existing condition,” which will prevent them from getting healthcare when they finally need it. And because there won’t be any young healthy “insurees” to mitigate the costs of the older jankier models, the price of healthcare coverage will go through the roof.

Republicans will then have two choices: blame Obama for not telling them that this shit was hard, or pretend that they’re getting rid of Obamacare, while really just tweaking it and naming it after some random Republican like, maybe Mitt Romney.

Plague 2 – Floods

It’s getting hot in here, but do not take off all your clothes because groping will apparently be tolerated. Donald J. Trump and the Grand Old P*ssy-Grabbing-Party (G.O.P) don’t believe in Climate Change, so they’re going to pull out of the Paris Agreement, pour tons of money into coal-fired power plants and Make America Great Again, by continuing to ignore basic science.

Mind you this is a tricky stand to take because major financial institutions are projecting that Climate Change could cost the global economy untold trillions in economic damage. We all know the GOP is the party of the uber-rich, disguised as the savior of White men who don’t read, but this is going to be a hard flip to flop. The economic damage of Climate Change is already happening, so while the GOP pretends the emperor’s tuchus isn’t bare, the rest of the world will be buying batteries from China, which is pumping billions into becoming the world’s green energy powerhouse. Meanwhile clean energy subsidies in the U.S. may well be dropped, but in about 5 years, unsubsidized solar power will actually be cheaper than natural gas (it’s already cheaper than coal).

Energy companies know this is coming and to some degree global consumers do too. So after President Trump slaps a 35% tariff on Chinese batteries and starts a cage-match with Elon Musk, the rest of the world will swiftly move to cheaper, cleaner energy solutions powered by Chinese investors, who will begin to draw the best minds from American universities to work in comfy startup campuses across Europe & Asia. A trillion dollar clean energy industry will rise swiftly as Exxon, BP and the other energy dinosaurs invest heavily in the sector, and clean-tech jobs will fly willy-nilly out of the US while other countries get rich. Unless of course GOP lawmakers have any friends on Wall St, who will literally pay them not to do this.

Plague 3 – Unplanned Camping Trips

One of the sweetest things about the Trump presidency, if you’re a racist, is how all the Mexicans are heading back to Mexico and the Muslims are going camping in the Nevada desert. The Wall will be tremendous and you’ll never again have to wonder if a Muslim woman has a gorgeous, glossy Panteen Pro-V hairdo under her hijab (FYI…she does). All those great jobs picking strawberries and oranges in the unrelenting, and mysteriously ever-increasing, heat for less than minimum wage, will finally be available for good American workers who have been ITCHING to get a piece of that low-pay action. And because you don’t believe in Global Warming, you’ll hardly feel the burning sun in 100 degree weather while you work your ass off for damn near free. These jobs will go exclusively to working class White voters besotted with economic anxiety. Guaranteed. Asians and Native Americans have been strangely silent about wanting those jobs, and Black people are definitely not going to help out, as we’re pretty much through with agriculture.

The best part is, once you’ve locked up Ahmed & Khalifa and all their darling doe-eyed, brown babies, you will have sent a message to the entire globalized world you built since the last internment, that immigrants are no longer welcome in America, which will force the others, with papers or W.O.P, to find other places to be their best & brightest. The Japanese & Europeans, suffering under the weight of old, infirm populations and soaring adult diaper prices, will grudgingly welcome the healthy, brilliant Browns from across the globe, who will contribute their heart, soul & mighty intellectual capital to building other nations’ economies. After all, a century or more of being the unrivaled magnet for the best & brightest around the world was too much of an unfair advantage for the United States. Making America Great Again, means giving the rest of the world a big competitive boost so we can battle with equal or superior powers, instead of having to be the best ALL the damn time.

Plague 4 – Side Pieces

Of all the impending Plagues of the Trumpocalypse this is the one that saddens me most. Dear Leader Trump has lived the high life for 70 years or so (give-or-take that awkward phase in his late 50s), and has mastered the art of remaining unaccountable for anything. Businesses failing? Take a 20-year tax break. The casino not doing so good? Don’t pay the poor schmucks who built it. Trump University getting sued? Run for President and pardon your damn self. However you slice it the big man stays winning.

Until now. Unfortunately now that he has to move into the White House (which is going to take forever to renovate, due to it’s severe and embarrassing lack of gold trimmings), one key aspect of Trump’s life is going to take a major hit. Unlike what we’ve learned from Scandal, in real life sneaking shorties into the West Wing is hella’ tricky these days. First of all, Secret Service is increasingly picky about who gets in, the press is always hanging around looking for a scoop, and the building is crowded to the brim with interns. Getting your side chick into the White House on a regular basis is just not the kind of stress the Leader of the Free World should have to deal with.

Being an enterprising kind of chap, the Donald has proposed a solution to this thorniest of woes – spending his weekends at Trump Tower. This would definitely help with the side piece problem, provided he can convince Melania and her kid to stay in DC. Failing that, there’s always Airforce One, which I hear has great mattresses.

Still, there’s that pesky press. After giving candidate Trump $1B in free advertising, then having the brass balls to be publicly shocked that this actually helped him win, the American media is going to be digging through Trump’s trash like raccoons on Thanksgiving, desperately seeking any evidence that they are not entirely crap at their jobs. This is going to turn up a lot of garbage. Remember, the Donald has lived his life in the public eye, but never under public scrutiny. It’s like the difference between posing for a nude photo shoot, and getting a prostate exam. You’re mostly wearing the same outfit, but it feels different when they’re looking for problems…

In Closing

I know all this doesn’t remove the absolute “WTF” many of us feel about the results of our election. But hopefully it helps take the edge off the unmitigated terror. The important thing to keep in mind about these end-times is that an Apocalypse is no fun if it doesn’t get you prepped for the next one. So keep in mind that the election of Donald J. Trump is not the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new one. Possibly one where powerful White men are held accountable by circumstances of their own making.

Think of it as a kind of Karma. I hear she’s the nastiest woman of all…