Conflict. It’s a something few of us relish, but which in today’s competitive world is all too commonplace.
It’s a natural part of our lives, be it at work, at home, or elsewhere, an unavoidable part of our social existence.
Aside from the awkwardness disagreement so often generates, there’s the internal roller coaster of feelings associated with it – anger, embarrassment, and for some, excitement. However we experience it, it’s a natural part of our lives, be it at work, at home, or elsewhere.
Yet it’s not necessarily the source of conflict that is most critical. Instead, it’s our perception of the issue and how we handle conflict itself that really matters. This is what makes the situation better or worse.
With this in mind, consider these four research-based strategies for handling conflict in a more balanced and effective manner.
Listening is Key
You can immediately improve a conflict situation simply by listening to what others have to say. Few things makes a person feel understood quite like their partner reflecting their feelings and paraphrasing what has been said. But neither of these things can occur without listening first.
Yet, listening is the most difficult part of conflict resolution. Research by University of California professor Gregorio Billikopf shows that listening is difficult because it is a natural defense mechanism for us to try to explain our position first, when what we should be doing is listening to the other person’s point of view. [1]
But as Billikopf explains, listening isn’t good enough. Instead, we must engage in what psychologist Carl Rogers called empathic listening. The characteristics of empathic listening are precisely what are needed to resolve a conflict: being in the present moment and attending to the other person’s feelings and thoughts. [2]
Essentially, empathic listening allows you to get down to the heart of the matter – from another’s perspective as well as your own.
Collaborate to Find Resolutions
Our ability to manage conflict in a healthy manner is dependent, in large part, on our ability to collaborate with the person with whom we are in conflict.
Collaboration allows parties in conflict to acknowledge the problem, identify one another’s needs, outline potential solutions, and implement an agreed upon solution that is mutually beneficial. Collaboration, of course, requires an equal commitment from both parties to address the conflict, but is often necessary to overcome seemingly impossible disagreements. [3]
In other words, when we open ourselves to working with others, that collaborative effort can bear the fruit of resolution.
“I” Statements Help Establish Dialogue
Research conducted by George Kohlreiser, a Professor of Leadership and Organizational Behavior at IMD Switzerland, highlights the need for open and honest communication in resolving conflicts. [4] According to his research, getting a dialogue going opens the door for negotiation and positive relationship building.
Using “I” statements is an old standard when it comes getting that dialogue going. Consider the difference between the following statements:
“Your idea is silly.”
“I disagree with that idea.”
Utilizing “you” immediately puts the other person on the defensive and diminishes your ability to resolve the conflict through discussion. Conversely, using “I” allows you to express your feelings and have a genuine two-way conversation. Using this kind of disarming language is not just more facilitative of conflict resolution, it is also much more respectful towards the person with whom you are in conflict.
Pay Attention to Nonverbal Communication
When you find yourself embroiled in a conflict, it isn’t your words or the other person’s words that will communicate the most information about what is being felt. Instead, your posture, gestures, and facial expressions are the source of the most important information. [5]
With that in mind, paying attention to those nonverbal cues can help you bring about resolution more quickly because it allows you to determine what the other person is actually feeling. How we say we feel, versus how we really feel, can often be wholly different. Tuning to nonverbal cues gives you the awareness you need to respond in an appropriate manner that gets to the root of the problem.
A Final Word on Conflict
When conflict arises, our natural fight or flight tendencies kick in. But to effectively manage conflict we must do neither.
Instead, staying in the moment and focusing on changing a negative situation into a positive one can help you turn conflicts into excellent learning opportunities that result in personal growth and improved relationships with others.
Knowing how to manage conflict is one thing. Being able to resolve conflict is another thing entirely. Resolution requires you to have the capacity to listen and cooperate. It also necessitates taking ownership of your feelings and having a focus on nonverbal communication. Using these strategies will help protect your long-term health because otherwise conflict can continue to linger, eat away at you, and further deplete your mental and emotional resources.
Conflict is a natural part of life, but we don’t have to be a slave to it. Being able to effectively handle conflict is a critical aspect of living a life of good social, emotional, and physical health.
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” - Thomas Paine
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