Fox News Doesn't Care About Black People

At Fox News, inauguration day looked like the first afternoon a Negro used the local country club tennis courts following a legal settlement.

While there were many forced smiles and obligatory discussions of this "historic" day, there was just as much complaining about the size of the event, the expense involved, and the number of celebrities in attendance. We kept waiting for someone to blurt out, "We don't mind having a black couple in the White House, but do they need to be so uppity about it?"

And as Barack Obama hoped to further strengthen his bond with the American people, Fox News did everything it could to remind people about his ties to Hollywood and far-left liberals. In the lead-up to the oath of office, the crawl at the bottom of the screen pointed out that the event's $50,000 donors included Halle Berry, Jamie Foxx, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, George Lucas, Sharon Stone, Steven Spielberg and ... wait for it ... the "Soros Family." (It should be noted that Obama had lowered the donation limit to $50,000 per person from the previous $250,000 per person for the Bush inauguration.)

Out on the National Mall, Bill Hemmer did all he could to draw class distinctions between attendees as he pointed out the reserved seating, laughing, "I guess those folks paid a little more money to get their location there."

This prompted another salvo from the studio: "Hey Bill, we're looking at a live shot of Dustin Hoffman. He's in one of the good seats I think. I bet a lot of Hollywood types are up a little closer than you are right there."

For not caring much about Hollywood types, Fox News certainly seems obsessed with them. Cut to a shot of John Cusack.

Bill O'Reilly Doesn't Care About Black People

Bill O'Reilly has had some stupid polls in the past, but while he may be a hack, he is also something of a genius. (You might say he's 51 percent idiot and 10 percent savant, with the remainder being a more or less equal blend of rage and pancake makeup.)

His poll questions are often more revealing of his own prejudices than those of the country as a whole. While they're at times mind-fuckingly bizarre, they're also extraordinarily simplistic and custom-crafted for his sycophants -- almost as if M.C. Escher had drawn coloring books.

And while he composes astonishingly weird poll questions, he just as regularly bests his previous work. He has proved himself both the Mozart and Salieri of online polling.

For the last several weeks, O'Reilly has posted the following poll on his site:

Are you rooting for Barack Obama to succeed? Yes or No

Now, who the hell is rooting for Barack Obama to fail? Who looks at his investments and the value of his home and says, "Screw it, I'd rather lose everything than have this guy succeed."

Now, O'Reilly has a lot invested in Obama's failure. He was one of the driving forces behind both the Reverend Wright story and the Bill Ayers story. It would suck for Bill to have friend of America-haters and a terrorist pal become a great president.

So we can only assume that Bill wants Obama to succeed. Well, probably 55 percent of him anyway.

Michelle Malkin Doesn't Care About Black People

To mark the day, Michelle Malkin kept a whimsical inauguration cliché count, supposedly monitoring utterances of the "First black president in American history" and "We are witnessing history."

Michelle didn't hide her contempt for all this attention being paid to Obama or for the credit he's getting for being our first black president. She also made space on her blog to point out that no one in the media was covering how Obama inauguration celebrant Jay-Z often uses the word "nigga." Then she uploaded a video on her site to prove it and sniffed, "And you wonder why some of us don't believe MLK's dream has been completely fulfilled ..."

Now, many of you may be wondering why someone who is of Asian decent would be so antagonistic toward Obama and his background. And while Michelle may be a whore for the far-right -- and she is certainly being a good one by discounting this momentous event -- it still gives us pause. While most whores love to bring joy to people, it seems this one only seeks to spread hate.

Glenn Beck Doesn't Care About Black People

"For the first time I've been thinking to myself, this is out of control. I mean, it was out of control somewhat during the last Bush inaugural, to where it's just, it's I mean, here we had to declare a national state of emergency to be able to afford this and pay for it. That's craziness. This year probably needed to do because it's so historic. But can we all make an agreement? I don't care if I'm the president, we shouldn't be spending this money on this."

-- Glenn Beck, Fox News, while watching the inaugural parade

Of course, Beck failed to point out that the money for the inaugural was raised privately and that taxes only covered funds for security, which go to hardworking police and military who were making sure our citizens were safe and secure.

So why are Beck and everyone at Fox News so suddenly concerned about the scope of this particular inauguration? We just can't figure it out. Perhaps Beck and the gang would have been happier if the Obamas had arrived at their new home in a taxi. Hey, it was good enough for the The Jeffersons.

Of course, to keep it fair and balanced, during the next segment Beck brought on Jonah Goldberg, author of the book Liberal Fascism.