Fox News Is the Gold Standard of Television Journalism

CORRECTS SPELLING TO SANDBERG NOT SANDBURG Megyn Kelly interviews Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook, on th
CORRECTS SPELLING TO SANDBERG NOT SANDBURG Megyn Kelly interviews Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook, on the show, The Kelly File, on the FOX News Channel, Wednesday, April 9, 2014, in New York. (AP Photo/Frank Franklin II)

I've been watching a lot of Fox News lately. Fox News is sort of like a news channel, but the total opposite of that.

I like Fox News for lots of reasons: the women pundits are attractive, the on-air graphics are colorful and child-like, it offers fair and balanced coverage of Neil Cavuto's depraved sexual fantasies. But what I enjoy most about FOX News are the commercials for gold and silver.

Watch any Fox News commercial break and you're likely to see advertisements for gold and silver. Fox News is like the snowman from the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas Special. It loves gold!

Companies with names like Lear Capital and Merit Gold and Goldline run continuous ads on Fox News. The commercials are entertaining and well-produced, always featuring a friendly, likeable white spokesperson encouraging you to buy up as much gold and silver as you can to store it in your underground bunker, already fully stocked with ammo and freeze-dried Sarah Palin quotes.

Merit Gold promises "no liquidation charges." In other words, you send the company your money. And they send you gold. But they won't charge you extra for sending them money. I think that's fair. Also, Merit Gold promises free delivery insurance on all gold deliveries. That way, if you send them money but you don't get your gold, you get to keep your money. Personally, I get "free insurance" on every undelivered product I pay for; it's called "calling the company and telling them I didn't get it."

Basically, the gist of all this it is that America is within weeks of complete social and economic implosion. And this time next year, you'll be living in a cave, your bank account will be worthless, and you'll have to troll the forest for food. In other words, you'll be living the life that Hulk Hogan is living now. And the only "currency" left of any value will be the precious metals buried in your backyard and in old-school rappers' teeth.

Why are we on the brink of disaster? If you don't know the answer to that, you're not watching Fox News. It's President Obama's fault! Or, as Greta Van Susteren innocently asks her guests each night, "Is this President Obama's fault?"

Now here's my question...

The gold and silver companies have all this gold and silver. And they're telling me that my cash is going to be worthless. So I should send them my cash, and they'll send me gold and silver in exchange. But then... why would the company want my worthless cash? That seems like a bad business plan. A better idea, logically, would be for the company to just keep all its gold and silver. Plus, they'll save money on advertising.

If the economy crumbles into nothingness (a sarcastic "Thanks a lot, Obamacare.") and your cash and all your stocks and bonds become worthless, I doubt your gold and silver will be worth much, either. That's because gold and silver are just shiny rocks. In a post-apocalyptic world, shiny rocks don't add much to your survival portfolio. You need non-perishable food. In these times of uncertainty, it makes sense to invest in Pop Tarts.

The United States went off the gold standard in the early 1970s, which is to say that American currency is no longer backed by gold. But there was never any objective basis to gold's value. Our money could just have easily been dependent on copper or silver or lap dances. (In fact, there are currently thousands of "cash-for-lap dance" businesses all over the country... usually near the airport.)

Hats have an objective value in that, without them, your head gets cold in the winter. But gold has no beneficial use, unless you're Scrooge McDuck out for a swim. I'm not sure I can trust a salesman raving about gold during commercial breaks on The Five, especially one who wants to trade his valuable gold for my worthless cash. Incidentally, am I the only one who notices that Bob Beckel spends most of the show coughing?

Did you know that when the United States was on the gold standard, and then up until 1974, it was illegal to own gold? Of course, now you can own all the gold you want. I mention this in order to point out that, despite what the actor who plays that ridiculous Sean Hannity character says, Americans have much more freedom now than we had in the past. So when conservatives say we need to "take back America," I would ask, "Take it back to where, the 1950s?" Back then, you weren't even allowed to own your own telephone. Wait- you mean Sean Hannity is a real guy?!

My favorite gold and silver commercials are the ones from the Rosland Capital company. Rosland's commercial spokesman is the charismatic- and one of my favorite actors -- William Devane. Did you know he was the original choice to play Sam the bartender on Cheers? Anyway, the Rosland Capital commercials usually feature Devane doing something rustic, like riding a horse or sitting on a cabin porch or bathing in moose blood. And then he says some grandfatherly gobbledygook and then he talks a little bit about how the world is falling apart and then he says, "I buy gold every chance I get." That's not really true, though, because he had the chance to buy gold while he was filming the commercial, but instead he chose to film the commercial. I bet Rosland Capital pays Devane's spokesperson fees in cash. Nevertheless, he's great on 24.

At the end of the Rosland Capital commercials, Devane looks into the camera and asks, "What's in your safe?" Answer: Beanie Babies.

But I know that William Devane doesn't buy gold every chance he gets, because now he is doing Rosland Capital commercials for silver, too. In fact, there has been a noticeable increase in silver commercials on Fox News. Silver is the new gold... though don't tell that to the Miami Heat. But that's because gold prices have plummeted in recent years.

One of the Lear Capital commercials displays a graph that shows how gold prices have gone up 400 percent over the past 12 years. But the announcer fails to mention how the price has spiraled downwards during the past few years. And it's not easy to catch this on the graph, because the spokesperson quickly stands in front of the drop, blocking it from sight. Oh, commercials are so sneaky. It's like how the trailer for Transformers: Age of Extinction fails to mention how awful the movie is... though, in fairness, it is implied.

I suspect that gold prices have gone down because, despite what you hear from the naysayers, the post-Bush economy is improving. Hence, gold is an unnecessary commodity. Or maybe it's just that Nicki Minaj's multiple gold records have devalued its prestige factor.

The problem with silver, though, is that it's still not worth nearly as much as the same amount of gold. Therefore, you need a lot of it. And who has space for all that silver? Where are you supposed to put it all? I mean, I need my six walk-in closets for shoes. Plus, precious metals are heavy. It's already so awkward asking friends to help you move furniture, but silver? "Hey, guys, I have a few thousand pounds of metallic rock I need you to help me move into my new apartment. There'll be free pizza!"

You probably didn't know that the most valuable precious metal on earth is a rare element called rhodium, which is twice the value of gold. I suspect that you'll begin seeing rhodium commercials on the Fox News channel once the Supreme Court votes in favor of gay marriage and destabilizes the economy irrevocably. Damn liberals.

Meanwhile, I'm going to stick with cash for now. It might not be as secure as gold or silver, but it comes in handy when I'm at the store.