Freaking Out, and 14 Other Milestones for New Parents

Here are just some of the totally NORMAL things that you are likely to do.
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Father At Home Holding Sleeping Newborn Baby Daughter
Father At Home Holding Sleeping Newborn Baby Daughter

We always hear about milestones for your baby. Everything you read about milestones says "baby is going to do this" and "baby is going to do that." (Newsflash: baby won't say your name for a long time and will take even longer to learn to drive.)

But enough about baby! Let's talk about you! Congratulations on becoming a parent! Are you totally freaking out? If you are, THAT is your first milestone! FREAKING OUT! Check it off your list! As you probably guessed, there are even more milestones to look forward to in your first weeks as a new parent. Here are just some of the totally NORMAL things that you are likely to do:

  1. Become grateful for the existence of stool softener.

  • Run out of songs to sing when rocking your baby to sleep; eventually turn anything you know the words to into lullabies -- including "Walk Like An Egyptian" and "Livin' On A Prayer."
  • Conquer your fear of accidentally leaving a thumbprint in one of your baby's soft spots.
  • Decide there was really no point in decorating the nursery because the only thing in there that your newborn seems to look at is the ceiling fan.
  • Learn that the absolutely most uncomfortable position for you when you hold your baby is the one that calms her the most when she is crying.
  • Find the first couple weeks of breastfeeding to be a piece of cake. A piece of cake with a way, way more complicated recipe than you realized, lots of hard-to-find ingredients, and a fondant frosting that you can't get right. So... yes, a piece of cake.
  • Wear your maternity clothes for a lot longer than nine months. (This means that your maternity jeans -- just like that! -- are now "mom jeans.")
  • Feel a love so pure and profound that you never before knew it was possible. It will be for your bed.
  • Wish the traditional request wasn't to "come see the baby." Wish it was "come do your dishes," "come fold your clothes," or "come help you wash out your breast pump."
  • Eventually move on to finding more comfortable holding positions that help your baby stop crying. Find that you suddenly miss the old, uncomfortable positions a little.
  • Cry.
  • Know what it must feel like to win the lottery when you find even MORE ways to get your baby to stop crying that the books didn't mention. (Let's be honest, though... we're talking about a lottery with a fairly small jackpot.)
  • Witness your baby's first smile. When you will tell someone about it, that person will tell you it was "just gas." Screw that. It's a smile! You've been sleeping horribly, skipping showers and serving as an open milk bar. Take the smile! You earned it.
  • Do you remember that profound, pure love you felt for your bed? It will be nothing compared to what you grow to feel for your baby.
  • This post originally appeared on Mammalingo, the blog that smells good.

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