Dear President Trump,
You lawyer assured you that the Mueller probe would be over by Thanksgiving. It obvioulsly is not. And it is taking a very bad turn for you. In almost any special counsel investigation the prosecutors would be happy to harpoon a whale as big as a recent national security adviser. But Mueller is not throwing the book at Michael Flynn - he’s letting him off with a slap on the wrist and treating him as the proverbial small fish. So who’s the bigger fish that he has to fry? Sorry to break it to you (your lawyers probably have not had the nerve to do that), but that would be you and your family. I also hate to tell you that once you sign the new tax law in the next few weeks, Congressional Republicans will no longer have any need for you. In fact they’ll find it expedient to start distancing themselves from you before the midterms (especially as primary filing deadlines start passing in their districts and they start feeling safe from Steve Bannon’s wrath). So don’t expect them to stick their necks out to protect your hide.
What does that all mean? Only you can save yourself. It’s very simple. Fire Mueller. Yes, I know. Everybody tells you how bad it will look. But how bad will it look when he indicts your son or son-in-law or even presents the collusion proof?! Are you going to make this the first time in your life when you don’t fight back? Remember to fire Sessions and Rosenstein as well. They let you down. Bigly. If you tolerate such disloyalty, people will soon be walking all over you. Are you going to let that happen?! Remember your most famous line from “The Appentice”? Use it!
Now, firing either the special counsel, or the Attorney General, or Deputy Attorney General is bound to stir a lot of outrage. You don’t want to go through that three times in a row, right? What can you do to avoid that? Easy! Just fire them all at once! Massacre them! There will be just one period of outrage. And everybody will see what a great dealmaker you are. Not just two, but three for the price of one!
Timing matters. You don’t want this news breaking when Wolf Blitzer is on TV, do you? What’s the best time for firing that trio? Saturday night! It will be hard for “Fake News” to get their anchors to the studios and to assemble their talking heads panels. And just think how many dinners and date nights you will ruin for them. Very importantly, members of Congress will be scattered all over the country, with Nancy three time zones away. Come Monday, your little massacre will already be old news, and people will be talking about football and whatever else will have happened on Sunday.
Still, people have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. So go over the heads of your enemies in the media, speak directly to the American people on TV (not just on Twitter!) and tell them in plain English, like only you can, that you are not a crook. It will all work out beautifully. Believe me.