Why ALL Parents Are Better Than You

Dear New Parents,

Hi!

How's it going?

Feeling a bit tired? Maybe a little less spry these days what with the 2AM feedings or trying to keep up with a toddler whose main occupation is trying to find new ways to turn your hair gray -- licking outlets, hurtling themselves down stairs, not eating antioxidant rich foods?

Maybe you're feeling a bit overwhelmed. Out of your league. Like you'll never get the hang of this parenting thing and the guilt is starting to seep in with more and more "Oh, what have I done?" moments.

How can this be? You aced Calculus, run your own successful business, maybe you even know how to drive a stick.

And yet you can't quite get over the feeling that if there were a parenting pop quiz tomorrow during Gymboree class, the best you'd get might be a C+. B- if you had a venti cafe mocha and a Red Bull.

All other parents seem like they have it under control. Know what they are doing. Are even -- dare you say it -- better at this parenting thing than you are.

I'm going to save you some wondering:

They are.

Other parents are better.

They are better than you in all ways.

They are better at disciplining their kids, motivating their kids, and keeping their kids out of harm's way.

Their children will have more friends in school, lead more fulfilling lives, and never need therapy.

Their kids will rule. And it will all be because other parents were much better parents than you can ever hope to be.

Sorry.

It's a truth I learned too late to save my own kids. It took me 13 years -- on the Internet reading parenting message boards, reading parenting books and magazine articles, then reading parenting blogs, and finally downloading the "Why Other Parents Are Better Than You" app -- to understand completely all the ways I would never measure up.

It's been disheartening.

But more upsetting was the sheer length of the process of fully coming to terms with the fact that, well, I kinda suck.

I mean, compared to other parents.

Most recently, The French.

So, to spare you my time and effort in learning all the ways I could change (but probably won't) in order to be more awesome (but probably can't), here is the definitive list of all the parents who are better than I am.

In no particular order.

1. Strict Parents
2. Laid Back Parents
3. Urban Parents who give their kids access to lots of Culture and Street Smarts
4. Suburban Parents who have Backyards, Good Schools, and Soccer Coaches From Brazil
5. Country Parents whose kids Learn Responsibility by Running Large Farm Equipment and Who Know Exactly What To Call The Chicken Hole That Eggs Come From
6. Parents who vaccinate
7. Parents who don't vaccinate
8. Parents who keep a clean house and who carry hand sanitizer in order to keep their kids healthy
9. Parents who allow their kids as much contact with germs as possible in order to build up their immune system and keep their kids healthy
10. Breastfeeding Parents
11. Bottlefeeding Parents
12. Religious Parents
13. Atheist Parents
14. Parents who don't know whether or not God can help them be better parents
15. Conservative Parents
16. Liberal Parents
17. Anarchist Parents
18. Noam Chomsky
19. Free Range Parents
20. Kiddie Leash Parents
21. Natural Parents
22. Hi-Tech Parents
23. Unplugged Parents
24. Parents who don't allow cell phones at the age you gave your kid a cell phone
25. Authoritarian Parents
26. Authoritative Parents
27. Positive Parents
28. Permissive Parents
29. Persuasive Parents
30. Mary Poppins Parents
31. Dr. Sears
32. Dr. Brazelton
33. Dr. Laura
34. James Dobson
35. "I Love Ezzo" Parents
36. "I Hate Ezzo" Parents
37. Younger Parents
38. Older Parents
39. Parents of only children
40. Parents of two children
41. Parents of many children
42. The Cosbys
43. The Brady Bunch
44. The Waltons
45. The Duggars
46. Kramer (The Dad, not Kramer The Mother)
47. Parents who pick up crying kids
48. Parents who don't pick up crying kids
49. Parents who co-sleep
50. Parents who don't co-sleep
51. Parents who spank
52. Parents who don't spank
53. Parents who care enough about their kids to send them to public school
54. Parents who care enough about their kids to send them to private school
55. Parents who care enough about their kids to send them to homeschool
56. Parents who birthed their kids vaginally
57. Parents who birthed their kids vaginally at home with help
58. Parents who birthed their kids vaginally at home with no help
59. Parents who birthed their kids vaginally with no help in a rain forest on the summer solstice
60. Parents who didn't birth kids vaginally just because they like fancy groin scars
61. Parents who didn't birth kids vaginally because they are men
62. Parents-to-be who will never make any of the parenting mistakes you made
63. Madonna and Angelina Jolie
64. Straight Parents
65. Gay Parents
66. Married Parents
67. Single Parents
68. Sister-wife Parents
69. Parents with a high school diploma
70. Parents with a college degree
71. Parents with a graduate degree
72. Parents with no fancy book learning
73. Parents who read parenting books
74. Tiger Moms
75. Russian Moms
76. Scandinavian Moms
77. Southern Moms
78. Your Mother-In-Law
79. Mother Teresa
80. Martha Stewart
81. Crafty Moms
82. Parents who blog about their kids
83. Parents who don't blog about their kids
84. Parents who update all their kids' baby books
85. Parents too busy parenting to update all their kids' baby books
86. Uber Moms
87. Type A Moms
88. Good Enough Moms
89. Slacker Moms
90. Parents who take time for themselves
91. Parents who get down on the floor and play with their kids
92. Parents who get down on the floor and teach their kids
93. Parents who teach their kids to put in flooring
94. Parents who stay at home
95. Parents who work at home
96. Parents who work outside the home
97. Parents who are at home outside
98. Parents who let their kids drink from the garden hose outside
99. Parents who let their kids eat Chicken McNuggets from the garden hose
100. Parents who let their free range chickens hose down the home as one of their chores
101. Parents who pay their free range chickens an allowance to hose down the home as one of their chores
102. Parents of chickens
103. Parents of Chuck Norris
104. My Mom

I may have missed a few.

I'm kinda subpar at blogging definitive parenting lists.

But surely, that's enough to convince you that you'll never measure up, either.

So, you know ... carry on.

Chances are that unless you are just really a complete jerk across several categories on a Venn diagram of types of jerks, your messed-up type of parenting is mediocre enough for your messed-up type of kid.

Even messed-up, you know more than you think you do. Maybe.

Still, you'll never be as good as Dr. Spock.