Of all the crap in that fake book, “Fire and Fury,” the one that bugs me the most is that I didn’t really want to be president.
Dad taught me a great lesson: whatever you do, make sure that, either way things go, you win. So, when I decided to run, I figured that even if I didn’t win (and, Dear Diary, you know, nobody thought I would), it would be an opportunity. I’d be the most famous man in the world. The book deals, the branding, the T.V. shows, the pussy—Huuuuge.
I was thinking about being president thirty years ago. Who wouldn’t, when you’re in my position? Rich, handsome, famous, the most powerful guy in New York City, women throwing themselves at me, celebrities lining up to kiss my ring. Even back in 1988, Oprah was asking me if I wanted to be president. That’s because I’d been leaking hints to my friends, like Liz Smith, who passed them on in their gossip columns. True, she was a dyke, but she probably did more for my career back then than anybody else, except me.
It was easy for me to play with the idea of running because I didn’t have to make a decision. I thought about it in 2000, but that idiot, George W. Bush, had the nomination sewn up. I thought about it again in 2008, and again in 2012, but my instinct told me not to—and my instinct has always been infallible.
So when the 2016 cycle rolled around, my instinct said, “Go for it.” But you know what really made me want to run? It was that White House Correspondents Dinner, in 2011, when Obama made that nasty joke about me and Meatloaf.
I thought, “That bastard, I’ll show him.” I don’t start fights, as you know, Diary, but if somebody hits me, I hit back ten times as hard. So who’s sorry now? Obama’s a big nothing, doing cheap Letterman interviews, while I’m freaking the shit out of the entire planet.
I like this job okay, and I’m gonna run again in 2020. Oh, the damn liberals think they’re gonna drive me out of office. Let them delude themselves. I’ve got my base, and as long as I have them, I have the Republican Party—and I’ll always have my base. The shock when I win re-election will drive my enemies crazy. For that matter, they’ll be shocked when Mueller and those damn Congressional committees exonerate me. The Dems think I’m bad now? Wait’ll I’m in the clear. They ain’t seen nothing yet, to quote my hero, Ronald Reagan. Dems, Iran, Kim Jong Un, Mexicans, dark-skinned immigrants, gays, Pocahontas, welfare, food stamps, terrorists, unAmericans, liberals, the media—I’m comin’ for them all, and nothing and nobody’s gonna stop me.