From The Independent Fabricator: Chump Change

“There is no ‘TR’ consonant cluster in the Chinese phonetic system."

Just four days after telling PRC President Xi Jinping that he had decided to go with the One China Policy after all, Donald J. Trump received a trademark approval that he had been chasing after for 10 years. This means that Trump businesses can use the Trump name for profit over there where the climate hoax began.

Back in December, before the inauguration but after he lost the popular vote, Trump called ROC President Tsai Ing-wen to gush about the close economic, political, and security ties shared by Taiwan and America. Or something. Whatever.

At that time, of course, China was still withholding its approval.

Then came the inauguration attended by unquantifiable crowds and, after that, the call to Xi Jinping from the Oval Office and, boom! Approval.

Unconstitutional? You bet! But...

“Joke’s on him,” says Dr. Xiao Hua, a linguist at Pianzi University. “There is no ‘tr’ consonant cluster in the Chinese phonetic system. The closest we can come is a ‘ch.’”

There are hundreds of ways to render Western names using Chinese characters. Each character is a word and names are transliterated according to sound and meaning.

One possible rendering of Trump’s name, says Xiao, could be 趁怕 chen pa (loosely translated as “take advantage of fear”) which, with the assimilation that naturally occurs when a “p” follows an “n,” will end up sounding pretty close to the English word “chump.”

“While this is certainly an apt epithet even now,” says ACLU lawyer Margaret Hepplewhite, “it will be even more apt once we have impeached him for violating Article I, Section 9, Clause 8, the emoluments clause of the United States Constitution.”

“Impeachment?” says Jia Lao Ban of the Ministry of Foreign Business Inveiglement. “ there’s a thought.”

This article was carefully vetted by the government’s newly established Bureau of Alternative Facting (BAF) and found to be accurate in all things except for the statement that there is no “tr” in the Chinese phonetic system and for the report of China’s sudden approval of the Trump trademark which are true.