As a sex coach focusing on women’s sexuality and as a woman who’s replaced her fair share of sexual frustration (from painful sex, sexless marriage, to losing my libido) with deeply fulfilling and nourishing sex that truly feeds my soul, I get asked this question all the time: What tips and tricks do you have for amazing sex?
Allow me to get straight to the point and share with you five of my secrets:
1. Stop looking for tips and tricks.
Here is the biggest secret: Having an amazing sex life—more passion that lights up your body, more connection that has you feel loved, more touch that you can feel in your heart, and more orgasm that takes you into another level of consciousness—has nothing to do with tricks, positions or techniques (despite what the sex industry and Cosmo magazine have us believe).
Our fear of not doing it “right” or following a certain way or script has us miss out on the deep connection to our bodies, our pleasure and our partners—thereby creating the unfulfilling sex that we fear the most (or have experienced before). Instead of looking outside for the answers on what to do, look within. Amazing sex starts with you feeling turned on in your body and then sharing it with another person in a variety of ways that feels good to you. Hence point #2.
2. Make it about you.
That’s right! Women have been conditioned to think of sex as something for the man—while we act as service providers. The result: we do not feel seen, felt, heard, or touched in a way that fulfills us (or has us orgasm)—and we get resentful and pull away.
Here is the radical truth: The best sex you’ll have starts with you doing it for your own pleasure—in a way that unapologetically feels good to you.
What’s sex for your pleasure? It’s having sex because you desire the experience of it. It’s sex how you want it. And also about letting it in fully—feeling the heat of your partner’s attention and the electricity of connection in your bones and in your heart.
And I know that it’s scary! If you are feeling guilt or fears of rejection if you ask for what you really want, you’re not alone. It’s hard to go here for many women as we think that all that attention on us is selfish, or we that we want too much, or that we don’t deserve it—or simply, because we cannot bear to be seen so open and vulnerable.
Yet this being so open is the place where sex feels most satisfying and connected. It’s the place where it shifts from mere mechanics to soul-touching connection. It’s the gift of our feminine ability to open, receive and be nourished.
To practice the “selfish” muscle, ask a partner for five minutes of deliberate attention on a part of your body (your arm, face, or your clitoris) and explore how receiving that attention feels—without resorting to reciprocating. It could be receiving attention through touch, or by hearing what your partner is seeing or you’re feeling. Next, learn what kind of touch feels good for you by asking for five minutes of touch on those areas—exactly how you want it. The intention behind these exercises is to separate out the context of sex and make it an exercise about discovering yourself and your partner.
3. Fill up your pleasure tank—before you enter the bedroom.
Women’s physiology and biology requires pleasure and stimulation as a means to sexual desire and arousal. Touch first, then desire.
If you are not feeling very sexual or generally turned on in your body, there is nothing wrong with you. If you’re like millions of over-worked, over-stressed women who are on all the time to take care of work, household and children, it may be that you’re low on energy and your body cannot afford an energy-intensive bout of intercourse.
The antidote is filling up your energy tank with pleasure before you enter the bedroom.
When women come to me for sex coaching and the guidance on how to feel more turned on in sex (and have sex for their pleasure), the first thing we do is we inventory their pleasure practices. Most of the time, I get a blank stare back with the comment of, “What pleasure practices?”
Pleasure is an essential nutrient for our bodies. Our bodies experience pleasure starvation just as much as we experience food starvation and its negative effects.
So I think about it as having a daily “pleasure quota” and filling up on essential nutrients that have you feel sexy, vibrant and turned on. (Get your free guide with my top 5 favorite self-care practices I do everyday to feel turned on).
So what turns you on? Think sexual and not. What kinds of activities build up your erotic or pleasure energy and allow you to connect to the pleasure within? If taking time out of your day to read your favorite book, or have tea exactly how you like it is what’s going to give you energy and excitement, go for it. If you know that deep kissing in the morning or long hugs are going to turn you on at night, ask for it.
If you’re craving touch and affection, goalless sexual touch and stroking (that is, sexual touch that is not used as foreplay to sex or orgasm) are one of the most effective and pleasurable ways to fill up on oxytocin so your body can relax and get turned on. Read on for more on that.
4. Go goalless.
So much of how we think about sex comes from the sex industry and porn, which makes the climax—the “big O”—not only the center of our sex life, but its purpose.When we rush our bodies towards the goal (and often feel the pressure to please our partners with our orgasm), we miss the nutrition and the pleasure of the touch and connection along the way.
While an earth-shattering orgasm is very desirable, having all of our focus on climax makes it hard for our bodies to relax and connect in the process leading up to it—not to mention all the performance anxiety that creates for men and women alike.
Add more connection and pleasure into your sex by letting go of the pressure to go for the goal for yourself and your partner and make sex about sensation, connection and pleasure—whatever the outcome. (Learn how in my Huffington Post blog “How to Radically Improve Your Sex Life with This One Mindset Change”).
One of my own favorite pleasure practices (and one I teach) is a partnered sexuality practice that consists of 15 minutes of meditative and goalless clitoral stroking for the sole reason of receiving pleasure and experiencing sexual connection (I know, it’s a radical concept to think we can enjoy sexual pleasure for the sake of enjoyment and not climax). In this sexuality practice, you connect to your body and its pleasure—and experience the effects of that energetic fuel in all areas of your life, from the bedroom to beyond. (Ask me about the practice)
5. Speak up.
The key for greater connection and satisfaction in sex is deep and honest conversations with your partner. We often don’t know what we want—yet we expect our partners to know that for us. Take time to discover what you want, then initiate conversations with your partner so you can meet each other in your desires—and develop deeper connection.
If you don’t know what you want, that’s perfectly normal. Speak your truth. Let your partner know by naming it and ask for what would be most helpful for you to learn about it.
One of the hardest lines for my clients to say to their partners are “I don’t know what I want or what touch feels good to me. Can you help me explore it?”. Once they get past the fear of saying their truth and ask for what they want, they notice not only that it gets easier, but that connection with their partners deepens and sex gets so much hotter.
Practice asking these questions yourself first, then ask your partner:
What kind of touch makes me/you feel good?
What do I/you want more of?
What scares me/you about sex? What am I/are you scared to ask for?