The good news is that if you live with someone who can’t load the dishwasher to save their life, always waits until the last possible moment to shower or steals fries off your plate at every opportunity, take heart in knowing you’re certainly not alone.
For your entertainment, we’ve gathered 50 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets we’ve seen this year.
Check them out below:
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018
Arm falls off— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 8, 2018
Wife: You don't drink enough water.
DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 19, 2018
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 15, 2018
After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.— sophielou (@sophielou) January 10, 2018
I don’t wanna talk about it until you’re about to fall asleep.— Dan (@dadopotamus) July 28, 2018
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 16, 2018
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”
Me: *parallel parking*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 25, 2018
Husband: *visibly aging*
my wife and i can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant— eric (@ericsshadow) January 3, 2018
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 5, 2018
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.— A Very TheAlexNevil Christmas (@TheAlexNevil) January 17, 2018
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 21, 2018
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Me: are you ready?— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 27, 2018
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Husband: How’s your diet going?— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) April 18, 2018
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018
Wife: There is something wrong with you— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 13, 2018
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson
wife: how about you be the little spoon tonight?— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 11, 2018
me: we’ve gone over this *points to my crown* i’m a spork
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) April 7, 2018
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 6, 2018
wife *turns the TV up*
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) July 22, 2018
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best...then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 19, 2018
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2018
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 14, 2018
Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.
Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.
Me texting husband at Target: They’re just tampons. Get the ones in the pink box on the top shelf.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 8, 2018
My husband texting me at Home Depot: It’s just a socket wrench 3/4 hex right cosine the square root of 238 sudden death overtime. It has a black handle.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2018
Marriage 1st Year.— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 6, 2018
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I'm leaving you— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) June 14, 2018
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My husband unloaded the dishwasher so I guess now it’s time to have a parade for him— JPo (@Peauxtassium) November 11, 2018
If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 15, 2018
Wife - We have to go to Kohls today so I can spend my $5 Kohls cash before it expires.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 14, 2018
Me - I'll give you $10 if I can stay home.
(100 miles from exit)— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.
When you do it, it’s annoying, when I do it, it’s adorable.— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) January 22, 2018
Me, explaining life to my husband
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
After 22 years my best marriage advice is don't marry someone who sets his two phones and alarm clock to go off at 5min intervals and then always hits snooze for at least an hour.— Elisabeth 🇺🇸🖕 (@YourMomsucksTho) September 3, 2018
Three months.— Mommy Jeerist (@Mommy_jeerist) December 4, 2018
That's how long my husband stood by and watched me water a fake plant.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My wife just asked me to build a new deck like I’m Jesus or something.— Dan (@dadopotamus) August 26, 2018
All I’m saying is if we had a dungeon, my wife would decorate it with throw pillows.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 16, 2018
I'm so lazy, I'm more of an "atrophy" wife.— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) July 27, 2018
Married Sexting...— LipsStyx💋 (@LipsStyx) October 12, 2018
I'm not wearing any underwear because you didn't put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you 100 times
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) October 7, 2018
Cashier: ...why are you telling me this?
[sitting at a table]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2018
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
Whenever my husband shows me affection and my dogs get jealous, I have to tell them that they are my true loves and he means nothing to me.— Stacey (@skittle624) November 3, 2018
I mainly got married so I can have someone answer the door when the take-out comes.— Charlotte Christmas (@jellybnbonanza) November 7, 2018
Me to my husband: Why don't you ever buy me flowers?— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) May 11, 2018
Me to myself when I see a dude buying flowers: What'd this motherfucker do?
Me: [boiling water]— ᴋᴇᴠɪɴ ᴡ ᴋᴏʀᴘɪ (@kwkorpi) March 31, 2018
Wife: No, not like THAT!
Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) November 20, 2018
Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders