Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 31 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: I can’t find my phone
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) April 28, 2022
Husband: want me to call it?
Me: Why would my ringer be on like some psychopath that answers phone calls?
wife: I feel like we should talk about this
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 21, 2022
me: [eating chili in bed while using old sweatpants as a napkin] about what
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 21, 2022
Me [coming home]: HOWS MY BABY?!?!
— girl on the hill (@Mom_Overboard) April 28, 2022
Him: I’m good
Me:
Him: you meant the dog didn’t you
i sit in my car for too long before i go into the grocery store for some quiet time but also so my husband thinks the actual shopping takes way too long and he never volunteers to take this precious time away from me
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 24, 2022
If my wife doesn’t like her haircut, does her hairdresser even know the emotional mess I'm left to clean up.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) April 20, 2022
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 28, 2022
Movie date night when you're married is spent passive aggressively turning up the volume on each other when the other chews too loudly.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 24, 2022
Secret to a successful marriage is watching a Netflix series together in the living room, and then on your individual phones in the bedroom
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 29, 2022
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 25, 2022
If your husband has never known the joy of a clean house, fresh folded laundry and homeade bread, you should introduce him to my husband. They'd have a lot in common.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) April 27, 2022
yes I believe in traditional marriage: one person explains the day’s most unhinged tweets and the other wishes it would stop
— Amy (@lolennui) April 22, 2022
If you’re curious about what it’s like to be married for 24 years, I told my husband we should probably cut back on our frivolous spending & 2 days later he bought a car on his lunch break.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 28, 2022
My husband and I are at the age where the only games we play are “go fish” with the contents of our nightstands.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) April 27, 2022
Wife: Whatcha thinking about?
— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) April 25, 2022
Me: I was just wondering if Harry Potter puts on a condom or just uses a spell, like “Erectus Protectus” or something
Wife: You’d think I would know better by now
Me: [asks where something is]
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 30, 2022
My wife: I saw it where we keep our keys.
Me: Why do you torture me?
My husband just left on his vintage style bicycle to which he has fastened an old wooden avocado box to go pick up coffee to bring back to the house and on the way out he said “I hope the neighbors see me.” In case you’re wondering what the gay agenda is up to this morning.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 30, 2022
The transmission went out in my husband’s car and it would seem that’s not the ideal time to remind him that he was offered an extended warranty countless times
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 30, 2022
Marriage: I didn’t even notice you were gone.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 27, 2022
Also marriage: You were in the bathroom for 17 minutes and 24 seconds.
The best way to work out on a Sunday is by rage-vacuuming while your spouse naps, which burns way more calories than regular weekday vacuuming.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 25, 2022
[ working on a jigsaw puzzle ]
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) May 1, 2022
WIFE: When I find a piece that fits, I get a little adrenaline rush. Then I just ride that high until the next one.
ME: … I feel an intervention coming on.
Half the arguments in my house wouldn’t happen if my wife just once acknowledged the most recent chore I completed
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 19, 2022
All I have to do is throw the word “Garage“ into any sentence and I instantly have my husband’s attention.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) April 30, 2022
[At a restaurant]
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 30, 2022
Me: I'm getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I'll get the wings.
Me: Those don't come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But...whose fries am I going to eat?!
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 28, 2022
Accidentally used my kids' toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 22, 2022
Woke up this morning to find my husband had gotten me a surprise McDonald's hash brown, is this a vow renewal?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 30, 2022
Me: *taking a picture of my bare back
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) April 29, 2022
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: *not wanting to scare him unnecessarily while I inspect my moles* I started an Only Fans.
How many throw pillows do you see in this picture?
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) April 26, 2022
~My wife designing a captcha
Get yourself a wife who can text with you lovingly about what you want for dinner while you’re in separate rooms watching separate shows
— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) April 25, 2022
PSA: For anyone who needs to hear this *cough* my husband *cough* if you stack the bowls and the pans in size order they fit better in the cabinet. BONUS no will get hit in the head with a frying pan.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) April 29, 2022
Before You Go
