Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
This morning my wife woke me with those 3 little words everyone loves to hear:
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 25, 2020
"Where's the plunger?"
Husband: *rearranging our throw pillows*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 21, 2020
Me: [from upstairs] That’s not how they go.
Marriage is an equal partnership where my wife always asks for my opinion before disregarding it and doing it her way.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 2, 2020
I just got my wife a giant ice coffee from my trip to the outside world so don’t tell me I don’t know a thing or two about foreplay.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 22, 2020
It’s interesting how you learn new things about your spouse being stuck at home together. For instance, before quarantine, I had no idea my husband sneezed 6,942 times a day.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 29, 2020
Unsolicited marriage advice:
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) April 22, 2020
Ask them how they fold their towels before you say “yes”.
I like to call my wife "customer" because she's always right.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) April 22, 2020
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 27, 2020
My husband is 40 and I’m 38 so I’m teaching my sons to say Ok Boomer whenever he makes a joke
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 27, 2020
My husband and I are so married that we argue about directions during virtual tours.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 28, 2020
Making a sandwich in the kitchen:
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 28, 2020
Wife - Please don't leave crumbs all over the countertop.
Me - OK.
(brushes crumbs on the floor)
Everyone at Target is staring at the mask I made from my wife’s A cup bra.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 26, 2020
Conversations that lead to divorce:
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 25, 2020
Me: The vacuum isn’t working.
Husband: Well, Mother’s Day is coming up...
Me: What day is it?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2020
Wife: Today.
Me: What day of the week?
Wife: That's as close as you're going to get.
What is something that in theory should be easier to accomplish with two people but in reality you would rather do alone than with your spouse?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 27, 2020
I'll go first: assemble IKEA furniture
Practice being a wife by repeating the same thing 50,000 times per week.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 27, 2020
My wife actually asked me where things go in the dishwasher and that kinda dirty talk is definitely gonna get her laid.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) April 25, 2020
My wife and I are taking turns losing our shit but make sure to never lose our shit at the same time. It’s called teamwork and it makes the bad dream work.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 23, 2020
Marriage is 50% your wife being upset that you don't do enough chores and 50% of her yelling at you for doing them the wrong way.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 27, 2020
Before getting married, I didn't even know that I always parked the car wrong and too far away.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) April 30, 2020
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) April 21, 2020
I compliment my husband on his grays while he pretends he can’t see mine and that, ladies and gentleman, is how marriage is done during quarantine.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 2, 2020
My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner, I said "Surprise me."
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 26, 2020
She handed me a pan and a cook book, she sat on the couch and took a nap.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of spending quarantine binging Netflix we can tape balloons to our car and drive by some 7 year old’s house.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2020
ME: *does anything*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 23, 2020
WIFE: [from the other room] WHAT WAS THAT?
Before You Go
