Every couple has its own set of weird habits, pet peeves and long-standing disputes (thermostat wars: we’re lookin’ at you). And while some of these experiences might seem uniquely specific, they’re actually more universal than you might think.
If you often argue about dishwasher-loading techniques, shush your spouse when they’re talking during your favorite commercial or feel slighted when your partner gets the bigger scoop of ice cream, just know you are most definitely not alone.
Below, check out 31 marriage tweets that are accurate and hilarious to boot.
The stress from my wife watching me wash the dishes while she waits to dry them is unbearable.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 24, 2019
Every time I finally figure out how to use the remote, my husband buys a new TV.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 21, 2019
[ MARRIED SEXT ]— HITCH (@titanmoon10) March 30, 2019
Her: Come downstairs now, I need your body
Me: We having sex?
Her: No, I need you to get the rest of the groceries from the trunk
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) March 26, 2019
Wife: “Don’t you dare embarrass me at this dinner party!”— Bart (@bartandsoul) March 14, 2019
Me, to hostess: “This cheese tray is exquisite! Is it Velveeta?”
Don't tell your husband when you're sick because the next day, not to be outdone, he will also have your cold, but 10 times worse than you can ever imagine.— Gran Master E. (@E_lok44) January 15, 2019
I had a dream my husband ate my left overs, and I just don’t think I can get past this.— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) March 24, 2019
Me: “Nobody noticed my haircut.”— Dad Bits (@DadBits) March 21, 2019
Wife: “When did you get it?”
Me: “Two days ago.”
Wife: “Well, if it was bad we would’ve noticed.”
Me: “Is that like a compliment?”
Please keep me in your thoughts. I got grape jelly on the living room sofa, and my wife is on her way home.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2019
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) March 20, 2019
The only signature dish I'll be bringing to the potluck is my wife, y'all.— Aunt ‘Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) March 24, 2019
If you enjoy arguing about a hypothetical situation in a movie you’re watching, then marriage is for you.— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 15, 2019
If being passive-aggressive were an Olympic sport, my wife would win whatever medal YOU want. No, seriously. It's fine.— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 29, 2019
When we want to spice things up my wife and I get a hotel room and sleep on the opposite side of the bed we sleep on at home.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 30, 2019
Me: I can’t believe we’ve been together for so long. The time has flown by.— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) March 31, 2019
Wife: Has it?
Wife: That was for our son— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 29, 2019
Me: [mouth full of cake] How was I supposed to know?
Wife: It said happy 6th birthday
Wife: what'd you do after work?— Я. (@iinkedZombie) February 22, 2019
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My husband says I’m not allowed to turn the air conditioning on upstairs when the heat is on downstairs and I’m like, WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE TWO THERMOSTATS THEN?— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) March 25, 2019
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 24, 2019
wife: What’s wrong?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 30, 2019
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Me: *singing* Just the two of us, we can make it if we try.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 20, 2019
Husband: I'm not helping with you with anymore Pinterest projects.
Only marriage can turn dishwasher loading techniques into a cage match.— Jersey (@better_off_dad) March 23, 2019
Shhhh.. I like this Commercial.— Trouble Tara 🎼 (@SoNotThePoint_) March 31, 2019
I'm at my absolute wildest when my wife's away and I realize I can have chicken fingers for breakfast.— Blair (@JumpedUpChuck) March 27, 2019
Me: Oh cool, vanishing powder.— (Chrispy dude emoji) (@cs2862) March 24, 2019
Wife: That's dry shampoo.
Me, hacking in white cloud: Oh.
I woke my husband up early this morning to run through a few different ways we could rearrange the furniture and he's been irritated with me ever since, which is totally weird— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 31, 2019
If your husband keeps filling the wine glass up before it ever goes dry you only ever have one glass of wine.— Mrs. Ashley 🦂 (@GGraphicsinc) March 2, 2019
It's my husband's birthday today. I didn't remember until lunch time. Wife of the Year material here— Diane Auten (@DianeAuten) February 21, 2019
Note to all ice cream parlor employees: Please stop giving me a larger scoop than my wife. It’s ruining my marriage.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) April 23, 2018
A little out of it today because my wife and I are coming off of a 3-day laundry bender.— Dad Bits (@DadBits) March 26, 2019
After 24 years together sometimes to spice things up and keep it sexy my husband and i eat unlimited dairy then we lay down, hold hands, and silently pray for death like the old couple in the movie Titanic.— 🇺🇸Elisabeth🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) March 8, 2019