Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 20 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 28, 2023
Everything my husband knows about plants he learned against his will.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 26, 2023
My wife always forgets where she puts her phone but remembers that night from 7 years ago when I forgot to refill her water cup before bed
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 21, 2023
Nothing makes my wife angrier than seeing me comfortably plop onto a couch.
— The Dad (@thedad) August 19, 2023
Husband: *sleeping*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2023
Me: Aww. He’s so tired. I mustn’t wake him.
Husband: *audibly breathes*
Me: WAKE UP YOU’RE SNORING
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 18, 2023
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My husband texted me "upstairs, pooping" at the same time I texted him "downstairs, pooping" and l'm pretty sure we just proved that romance is not dead.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) August 28, 2023
Husband, packing up the car to leave: What was your favorite day here at my parents’ house?
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 17, 2023
Me: Today.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 17, 2023
There are only 2 things I know with 100% certainty.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 18, 2023
1. The sun will rise in the east.
2. My husband will yell "HELLO HONEYBUNZZZZ" every time he walks into the house without first investigating whether I'm on a work meeting.
At least one person in a marriage should be able to whistle.
— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) August 16, 2023
I couldn’t find the end of the tape roll and my husband told me to calm down
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 25, 2023
Judge: ok case dismissed
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
— emily (@emilykmay) August 24, 2023
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 18, 2023
Husband:
“You’re not the boss of me!” I say to my wife assertively, when we both know good and well that she is.
— John to the World 🌎 (@JohnJokewriter) August 18, 2023
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 22, 2023
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Husbands just need to distinguish between what we have forgotten to put on the shopping list and what is purposely not on the list as we have it already and come home with the right things.
— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) August 20, 2023
Dating: You’re so amazing, you are just like, so perfect!
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 16, 2023
Married: For the love of God, stop eating chips like that if you want to live to see another day.
Today on Out Of The Blue Texts From My Husband. pic.twitter.com/MPhsdKD6QR
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 26, 2023
As of today, my husband is "eats fish for his health" years old.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 23, 2023
Support HuffPost
A No-B.S. Guide To Life
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Our News, Politics and Culture teams invest time and care working on hard-hitting investigations and researched analyses, along with quick but robust daily takes. Our Life, Health and Shopping desks provide you with well-researched, expert-vetted information you need to live your best life, while HuffPost Personal, Voices and Opinion center real stories from real people.
Help keep news free for everyone by giving us as little as $1. Your contribution will go a long way.
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Help keep news free for everyone by giving us as little as $1. Your contribution will go a long way.
HuffPost is your trusted source to help you lead a better life. Our reporters rely on research, expert advice and lived experiences. So when you've got questions, you know you can trust our answers.
We're determined to keep HuffPost Life — and every other part of HuffPost — 100% free. Help us do that by contributing as little as $1.
HuffPost is your trusted source for stories that help you lead a better life. We've got you covered on all things health, wellness, food, style, parenting, relationships, work, travel and lifestyle. Our reporters rely on research, expert advice and lived experiences to address all your concerns, big and small. So when you've got questions, you know you can trust our answers.
We're determined to keep HuffPost Life — and every other part of HuffPost — 100% free. Help us do that by contributing as little as $1.
Before You Go
This Artist Is Giving Lesbian Couples The Retro, Pinup Treatment
Kelsey Borresen
Senior Reporter, HuffPost Life
Do you have info to share with HuffPost reporters? Here’s how.
