Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 22 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Back in a second. I have to go show my husband the granola is exactly where I said it is.
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) August 16, 2022
My wife got dressed for a research meeting with some partner orgs and I said she looks like a SILF (Scholar I'd Like to Fund)
— Davin L. Phoenix (@Davin_Phoenix) August 17, 2022
Tried to watch A League of Their Own with my butch wife who works in manufacturing and the wartime factory scenes gave her an aneurism.
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) August 24, 2022
“If it’s a screw factory why are they building planes? If she’s a welder why is she angle grinding? WHO is the floor manager?!”
Establish dominance by asking your spouse what they want for dinner first thing in the morning.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 23, 2022
My husband brushed up against me in the bathroom this morning that will have to count as this month’s date night
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) August 25, 2022
my husband asked me what series i wanted to watch next and i actually had an answer and he said he was really proud of me so don’t lose hope dreams really do come true
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 22, 2022
I asked my husband for help picking up before company gets here so naturally he’s out replacing the sprinkler heads
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 19, 2022
Apparently, when your wife is not talking to you, the best time to ask her "What's wrong?" is not 3 days later.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 20, 2022
Why am I up at 5am? Because I had a dream that my husband asked me for a divorce so now I'm patiently waiting for him to wake up so I can yell at him.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) August 25, 2022
My husband has brought a heavy bag with him to this wedding ceremony we are attending and I asked what’s in it and he said “a first aid kit and a sewing kit and hairspray and sunscreen and clothes and some other stuff.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 20, 2022
???????????
Husband: I trust you with all of my heart.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 22, 2022
Also husband: pic.twitter.com/LZo9MUIuQ9
I asked my husband to put the broccoli in the microwave. Apparently I was supposed to also ask him to turn it on.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 29, 2022
My wife wanted Mexican for dinner, I wanted Italian …. So we compromised and we’re having Mexican for dinner.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 16, 2022
I've heard a nose whistle for the last 10 minutes. I'm in a goawaytionship with my husband right now.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) August 25, 2022
Nothing bonds women more than the argument about whose husband takes more pee breaks
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 25, 2022
I recorded my wife's snoring and I have just one question, why does she say "asshole" on the exhale?
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) August 25, 2022
my 200% Irish husband said someone on TV "looked Australian" last night
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) August 22, 2022
The phrenology of it all.
Don't make me get out the old charts
My husband asked where the ketchup was while he was standing right in front of it, but then I realized he was looking with man eyes.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 23, 2022
My husband and I walked into the kitchen to grab a few more things for the dinner table and the dog took my burger.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 17, 2022
Correction: The dog took my husband’s burger. 😉
How to tell you’re going to lose an argument with your wife:
— Mike (@Parentpains) August 26, 2022
1. You’re in an argument with your wife
Me: Do that thing I like
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) August 24, 2022
Him: *reassures me he loves me even though he constantly tells me he does but my anxiety says he hates me
I don’t know much about women but after many years of marriage one piece of advice I can give is this:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2022
For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds.