And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband went to bed early and said I could watch the next episode of our show without him and wow what a kind and selfless man who puts others before himself and…I’m now realizing that jerk watched that episode without me.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 2, 2022
my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think?— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 9, 2022
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.— John to the World 🌎 (@JohnJokewriter) August 13, 2022
“Honey, where’s my good crocs?” and other shit I never imagined myself saying.— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) August 13, 2022
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, "You know, I'd love some water?" And I turned around and he was carrying the dog's water bowl to her....(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)— Ada Limón (@adalimon) August 9, 2022
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 14, 2022
Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am— Pual Chikmo (@PualChikmo) August 14, 2022
Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. I’d never turn down pizza either haha
Husband: “You’re always up so late; what do you DO while I'm sleeping?"— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 13, 2022
*flashes to lip-syncing Spice Girl songs in bathroom mirror, shoveling in Doritos like I’m wearing a feedbag, ugly-crying in the shower*
Me: “….mostly read, really.”
My wife started loading the dishwasher a different way, and I’m not quite sure how to proceed here.— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 9, 2022
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 8, 2022
We were at dinner with friends tonight and my husband accidentally revealed the ending of an old book and he said “omg! I’m so sorry! But honestly this is a Dumbledore dies situation and you should have known this by now.”— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 6, 2022
i was just running around frantically like “where’s my tote bag, have you seen my tote bag?!” and my husband was like idk what the hell is a tote bag and I couldn’t think of how to describe it other than, “you know, it’s like a purse! but for lesbians”— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 7, 2022
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) August 3, 2022
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”— Julie (The Texan Minnesotan) (@juliepafoofnic) August 9, 2022
My husband really had the audacity to go into the office and leave me here with these kids all day smh— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) August 4, 2022
No one:— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) August 5, 2022
My husband: You want to know what I think?
Me: * hits unsubscribe button*
Husbands, stop opening packages from Amazon - ignorance is bliss remember??— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) August 14, 2022
I don't know what you need to know about me besides the fact that my husband and son applaud when I don't trip on the stairs— (((Princess of Whales))) (@PrincesaBallena) August 5, 2022
My husband spends more time watching videos about how to play a particular video game than playing the actual game.— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) August 14, 2022
As my husband gazes at the fresh strawberries on the counter, I know exactly what he’s thinking.— Darla (@ddsmidt) August 8, 2022
He’s wondering what they would taste like wrapped in bacon.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like "Honey, please hand me a waffle knife" and watch him panic.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 3, 2022
me:— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 2, 2022
I like to speak to my attorney please.
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety— meghan (@deloisivete) August 4, 2022
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 4, 2022