And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2020
"Funny or murder?"— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) December 4, 2020
-me to my husband as I reach for the remote
My wife: I can’t believe we’ve been married for five years— lucy bexley ☕️🚕🍪📼 (@bexley_lucy) December 9, 2020
Me: that’s probably because it will only be four in January
Marriage is just double checking the kitchen cabinet your husband spent 10 minutes searching for the salt, which you found in 0.3 seconds flat.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) December 4, 2020
Not to brag but my wife says I have an answer for everything.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 1, 2020
DATING: I could listen to you all day.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 2, 2020
MARRIED: IF I HEAR YOU CHEW ONE MORE TIME...
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 11, 2020
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 8, 2020
I love that cute married thing we do where I stress to the max planning, shopping, budgeting & wrapping gifts, & my husband is just as surprised by what “Santa” brought as the kids are on Christmas morning.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 12, 2020
Marriage is being told to find whatever you want for dinner and then being yelled at for what you choose.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 11, 2020
*dating foreplay*— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 4, 2020
him: let’s go out on a date. let me hold your car door.
him: i showered
My wife speaks four languages: English, eyerolls, door slams and sighs.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 8, 2020
WIFE: I’m sick of this shit— eric (@ericsshadow) December 7, 2020
ME: (completely aware of the shit) sick of what?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a romantic dinner out one of us can eat over the sink while the other repeatedly tells a 5-year-old to “please close your sandwich.”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 6, 2020
My husband’s not going to be too happy when he sees the recycling bin is already full of Amazon boxes and pick up is still five days away.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) December 12, 2020
my husband saved the cheesy pizza crusts left behind by our kids in case he and i wanted snacks later and damn if he isn’t perfect in every way— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 12, 2020
My 10-year-old told the husband in her Sims game to do a bunch of tasks and he just laid down and died, and honestly I've never seen anything more relatable in my life.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2020
It's a helluva fine line between not wanting to be a hoarder and my husband saying I need to stop throwing all his stuff in the trash.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 7, 2020
*romantically grabs husband’s face*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 11, 2020
I will NEVER stop pointing out cows when you’re driving. NEVER.
me: honey i shrunk the kids— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 8, 2020
wife: you’re on stilts dear
family Christmas cards are my wife’s Super Bowl. she plans for them in Aug. she scouts out locations in Oct. we practice and take them in Nov. she game plans the layout and they get mailed in early Dec. lastly she keeps score with all the others we get to see if we won.— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 12, 2020
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 3, 2020
Based on this delightfully surprised look on my husband’s face, I must be pretty good about not putting the caps back on things very well.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) December 5, 2020
My husband bit his tongue twice in the same spot so he’s pretty sure he understands how painful labor must have been for me.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 13, 2020