Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
The best acting I do every year is pretending to be surprised by the gift my wife bought me, like I haven’t been secretly tracking its delivery on Amazon for weeks.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 25, 2020
Mornings when my wife can sleep in:
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 15, 2020
Me: [tiptoeing around in socks, whispering to kids, moving objects gently to minimize noise]
Mornings when I can sleep in:
Wife: HEY ALEXA VOLUME 10 HEY ALEXA I NEED A RECIPE FOR SMOOTHIES [sound of blender]
My husband is grocery shopping so I'm using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
— Northern Lights 🎄🎅☃️ (@PinkCamoTO) December 19, 2020
It’s snowing again!
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) December 19, 2020
Just kidding, my spouse just left Kleenex in her pants again and I’m shaking out each article of clothing before it goes to the dryer.
marriage is all about compromise*
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 23, 2020
*doing what your wife told you to do in the first damn place
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 27, 2020
My wife will be on work calls all day. Please send some random chores or shout something sarcastic, so I don’t miss her. Thank you
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 18, 2020
Husband just told me he loves the sound of the dishwasher running because “it means the house is taking care of itself.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 19, 2020
My wife wears yoga pants, but rarely does yoga.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 23, 2020
I thought it was funny until I realized I never went parachuting in the 80s.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 18, 2020
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I finally remembered to shave both armpits so I guess I’m a trophy wife now
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 27, 2020
Wife: [after cutting 1 centimeter from her hair] Notice anything different?
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) December 18, 2020
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 20, 2020
Husband: Are these mashed potatoes ok?
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 24, 2020
Me: Yes.
Husband: How do you know?
Me: I stuck my finger in them twice when you were in the bathroom.
My husband just asked me what's for dinner, like he can't pour his own cereal.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 15, 2020
I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 23, 2020
get married so you can have a 25 minute conversation about when to run the dishwasher
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) December 21, 2020
Welcome to 40. I’m excited about my fancy new vacuum and my husband can’t wait to use his new saw on downed tree in our back yard.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 25, 2020
The key to picking out a TV show with your spouse is to scroll through Netflix until they have fallen asleep and select the show you want to watch.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 22, 2020
Wife: yeah *looking up from gift* I asked for something small and sparkly
— The Dad (@thedad) December 25, 2020
Me: yes and if you press the button on the yo-yo it lights up
Sent my husband to the grocery store for specific Christmas sprinkles.
— 🌟MichiMama🌟 (@michimama75) December 22, 2020
Just saw his phone sitting on the dining room table.
Chaos is about to ensue.
My husband is growing out his beard this month mostly so he can ask us every single morning if we like his beard.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 17, 2020
Marriage is a very careful balancing act of two individuals recognizing and unanimously agreeing that one of them is always right
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 21, 2020
Sometimes when my husband is sleeping soundly next to me I like to turn his phone's sound on and send him a text asking, "are you awake?".
— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) December 19, 2020
My husband: What do you want to do today?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 26, 2020
Me: It’s the day after Christmas. I’m sitting on my ass. Take your overambitiousness elsewhere.
Before You Go
