Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 27 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I took my hair out of a bun long enough to brush it and my husband keeps asking why I look so fancy today
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 3, 2022
If you don’t sarcastically refer to your husband as “Sleeping Beauty” when you find him napping, are you even married?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 4, 2022
My husband and I leaving the house separately this morning to take our two dogs and their unique and favorite toys to two different babysitters must mean we’ve reached a new level of gay.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 5, 2022
You can tell your Husband exactly where to go in your purse, and He will bring the entire purse back to you. 🤣😂😅
— Sheri Wilkinson (@SheriAWilkinson) January 8, 2022
My husband will stand in the middle of the living room, watching my show that he says, “is dumb” for 30 minutes. Then hits me with, “What’s going on? She’s dating this guy now?”.
— ↞𝙱𝚕𝚔𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚢↠ (@BlkSoulBeauty) January 8, 2022
The most squats I do are when my wife is around and I’m just about to sit on the couch
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 2, 2022
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I've been laughing for 28 minutes now.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) December 28, 2021
Woke up to my wife reading a parenting book so I feel like we’re all in for a real talkin-to today
— Coach Rusty (@rusty_coach) December 29, 2021
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 7, 2022
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
my wife wants a divorce. She didn't say it in those words but she asked me to hang curtains so same thing.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 9, 2022
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 28, 2021
Husband: I thought you said you’re taking me out to lunch today?
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) January 7, 2022
Me: *gestures to the Costco sample table* Lunch is served.
10: Dad, what's the opposite of "discombobulated?"
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) January 5, 2022
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don't know, do NOT say "combobulated!"
My wife: did you find Lexi (dog).
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) January 5, 2022
Me: I'm bringin' Lexy back.
The thing no one told me is that once you get married, you suddenly develop telepathy. For example, my husband just now told me at the grocery store “come save me from this conversation with this person I don’t quite remember and I can’t pretend anymore.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 9, 2022
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was going to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 7, 2022
me (gesturing at my feet): what do you think?
— lucy bexley📚 (preorder No Strings out Jan 13) (@bexley_lucy) December 29, 2021
my wife: those are the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen
me: I know—I love them!
i was putting my 3 year old to bed last night and she was like “mommy can I see your boobs?” and I was like what why honey and she said “cause I haven’t seen them in a very long time!!!” and from outside the door I heard my husband mutter “join the club”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 29, 2021
Me: new year
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) January 1, 2022
Wife: new you?
Me: no
My husband does this annoying thing where he doesn't continue probing me after I tell him I'M FINE
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 6, 2022
I couldn’t sleep last night because my husband was breathing too quietly.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 7, 2022
I think I’ve unlocked a new level of marriage.
My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own farts.
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) January 10, 2022
My wife said “mid-century modern” a bunch of times while we were looking at backsplashes and now she is the host of a new show on HGTV.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 8, 2022
Wife: Did you return those phone calls?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2022
Me: I called back 100 percent of the people I wanted to talk to.
Wife: So no one?
Me: Yes.
Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 31, 2021
Zoom schooling your children is really great for your marriage, said no one ever
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 7, 2022
my husband embraced me tightly and inhaled deeply because i smelled like icy hot. this is how we flirt now.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) December 30, 2021