Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Cabin fever has gotten so bad that my husband and I just argued over who would get to pick up a prescription from the drive-thru pharmacy
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 1, 2021
My husband and I usually spend Friday nights in bed eating pizza and criticizing other couples on television.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 8, 2021
My wife wants a dog DNA kit to tell us what kind of dog we have but I just saved us $100 by explaining the dog is brown.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 3, 2021
My husband keeps debating whether to use his Christmas Amazon gift card on a food processor or an Instant Pot, in case you wondered how thrilling your 40s are.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 5, 2021
The gayest thing about my husband is that he calls his workout clothes "exercise outfits."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 29, 2020
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn't on the list.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) January 3, 2021
Husband: What are you watching?
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) January 10, 2021
Me: *names any show* wanna watch?
Husband: Ugh, no thanks.
*plot twist on show*
Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?
Husband: Why are you in such a bad mood?
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 7, 2021
Me: What makes you think I am?
Husband: You don’t have a single candle lit.
I think I'm independent until I have to text my wife because I forget what size jeans I wear.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 4, 2021
Me: What do you want for dinner?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 8, 2021
Wife: Whatever.
Me: Pizza?
Wife: No.
Me: Chinese?
Wife: No.
Me: Italian?
Wife: No.
Me: [lists every other food known to man]
Wife: No.
Me: OMG what do you want?
Wife: Whatever.
Husband was feeling burned out at work, so he's taking a few days off to feel burned out at home instead.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 30, 2020
Me staring out the window drinking scotch: I can't talk to you right now
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 31, 2020
Wife holding monopoly piece: jesus fine you can be the top hat
My husband said to my kids “What if you had a teacher whose last name was Issippi?” and his Dad joke meter exploded.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 8, 2021
Reaching the stage of life where my wife and I ask each other to listen to our knees.
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) January 2, 2021
"When I move it like this, does it sound like club soda to you?"
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 9, 2021
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: ...
Wife: ...
Me: *drinks water*
My husband said I’m funny when I’m mad, and when I got madder, he ironically did not find me funnier.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 8, 2021
Wife: I feel like at the beginning of the pandemic we were saving a lot of money not going to restaurants but now not so much.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 31, 2020
Me: (clicking accept on $27 worth of food delivery fees) Yeah, that’s weird.
But if you don't get married who tells you everything you enjoy is stupid
— 🇺🇸E.🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) January 3, 2021
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 11, 2021
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My wife: Who is this person that liked all your photos?
— lucy bexley 🪨 (@bexley_lucy) January 1, 2021
Me: Oh, that’s my AP history teacher from high school. She’s very supportive.
Me [opening laptop]: What's our computer password?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 6, 2021
Wife: Our anniversary date.
Me: Ohhh.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You have no idea, do you?
Me [closing laptop]: Yes of course I just don't want to use the computer anymore.
My husband and I are respectively 38 and 36 year old, childless adults. Our guest bedroom is now space dinosaur themed. pic.twitter.com/RNRiseJdZf
— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) December 30, 2020
Husband and I like to take the dog for walks through a very expensive neighborhood nearby so we can pretend we live there and imagine conversations with our neighbors. “We happened to make too much gold today. Do you guys want some? Otherwise we’ll just have to throw it out.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 4, 2021
So are you a clean-as-you-go cook or do you enjoy annoying your wife?
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 29, 2020
“Strike first, strike hard, no mercy,” I tell myself as I race my husband to the kitchen for the last cup of coffee.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) January 5, 2021
