Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 21 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) March 6, 2023
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 7, 2023
Was loudly singing "My Cats!" to the tune of "My Girl" right when my husband answered an important phone call so the morning is going great so far.
— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) March 3, 2023
made the mistake of offering a solution to the problem that my wife spent 20 minutes describing in great detail
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) March 10, 2023
I can be in the living room and I'll still be in my wife's way in the kitchen.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 12, 2023
The thing about being married for a long time is that despite seeing each other every day you can still surprise your spouse by the haircut you got 4 days ago.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2023
Try not to be jealous but I get the house to myself every night while my husband is on the toilet
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 2, 2023
My wife has no intention of ever sharing her blanket and yet every morning she asks me to help her spread it over the entire bed
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 5, 2023
Husband: *walks in the door*
— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) January 28, 2023
Me: DID YOU WATCH ALL THE INSTAGRAMS I SENT YOU TODAY ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE?
No matter how bad things get around the world, it can never ruin the enjoyment I get from putting my cold hands on my wife’s back
— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) March 13, 2023
Before I got married, I never knew there was right and wrong way to take the trash out.
— The Unknown Misfit (@TheSpotter8) February 28, 2023
My husband took the dogs to the dog park tonight so I asked him for their report cards when they returned. He shook his head in disappointment and whispered "not their best work. They didn't make any friends. Also, they might be mean girls."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 1, 2023
[Husband calls to tell me there’s a tornado warning]
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) February 28, 2023
Me: [overwhelmed by our filthy house] Oh thank god
Stole my husband's computer and proceeded to Like ALL of the statuses in his FB newsfeed.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) February 28, 2023
He got snippy at me for "liking things he didn't like". 😂 I have no regrets.
Sometimes I wonder what my husband does with all the time he saves by setting his recycling on the counter instead of below it in the bin.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 28, 2023
My wife has been out of town for a week and I’m heating up a frozen pizza at 11:30am after picking up my car from a friend’s house where it had been for two days following an unanticipated bender so I’d say I’m really winning at this whole bachelor thing
— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) February 28, 2023
you can't scare me, you're not my wife starting a conversation by saying "just so you know..."
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) March 3, 2023
My wife: When you see the flowers like this can you water them?
— Eman El-husseini (@emanifique) March 1, 2023
Me: I've been meaning to.
Wife: and what happened?
Me: You know I was sitting right here staring at them and repeating in my head water the flowers, who's going to water the flowers? ME
Then I got up and forgot.
which one of you told my husband about the song mother. he JUST stopped singing "angela bassett did the thing"
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 7, 2023
one of the perks of marriage is having someone to point out you have an extra long chin hair
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) March 13, 2023
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 10, 2023
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