And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 20, 2021
My husband walked in the room and said, ‘How’s my sleeping beauty?’ I smiled and opened my eyes just in time to see him pat my sleeping puppy’s head.— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 16, 2021
Newlyweds: *scatters rose petals to the bedroom*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 12, 2021
Married 10 years: *scatters rose petals to the broken sink*
The dog has started growling when husband's alarm goes off at 5:00 AM every day and I'm just glad someone is finally speaking out about this.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 9, 2021
Marriage level: I did a video call with my wife because I didn't feel like walking up the stairs.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2021
my wife’s superpower is acting surprised when the 12-14 packages delivered daily to our house are all for her— 𝕁𝕠𝕤𝕙 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔸𝕝𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕪 (@Tryptofantastic) February 10, 2021
I have a terrible memory unless we’re discussing something my husband did wrong.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 17, 2021
My wife likes to yell “AND STAY OUT!” when I leave the house to mess with the neighbors— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 17, 2021
So apparently everyone on my husband's Zoom work call finds my singing distracting.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 11, 2021
Instead of telling your husband important things in person just text him, that way he can’t say “YoU nEvEr ToLd mE.”— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) February 17, 2021
Follow me for more marriage hacks.
When I’m mad at my husband I like to plug my usb mouse into his computer and move the mouse around while he’s playing online games— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 9, 2021
I hate when I use up my husband’s clean clothes and I’m forced to do my own laundry— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 18, 2021
Get married and have kids so you can argue over the next family car features you both know you will never buy cause you can’t afford it.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 15, 2021
my husband shaved off his beard so it was a nice marriage I guess— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 11, 2021
My husband knows the way to my heart is $50 of sale candy on February 15th.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 12, 2021
My wife giving me 'hurry up' gestures when I was halfway through telling her a TWO-LINE joke reminds me of why I generally tell them online instead.— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) February 13, 2021
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 19, 2021
I don't think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My husband bought unfrosted pop tarts.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 12, 2021
Does anybody know if you can return husbands?
lmao at my husband sending me emails with links to “ZERO STRESS PACKING TIPS”— lilswizzy (@MotherPlaylist) February 20, 2021
Sir stress packing is my personality
The scariest 5 words my wife can say are, “is this wall load bearing?”— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2021
my wife: I can’t believe the food still isn’t here. I ordered like an hour an a half ago.— lucy bexley 🛼🪐🦔 (@bexley_lucy) February 10, 2021
me: can I see your phone?
my wife: sure, are you going to call them?
me (reading the confirmation email): it’s because we ordered carry out
My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don't know how to behave on Zoom calls.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2021
Husband Rule: If there is an object in front of the object I am looking for you’re gonna need to yell at me before I find it.— New_England_Dad (@new_england_dad) February 17, 2021
Me: OMG HELP I HAVE "BUILD ME UP BUTTERCUP" STUCK IN MY HEAD— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 16, 2021
Wife: Baby shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Me: you are a terrible person
Every sofa is a sleeper sofa if you're married long enough.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 12, 2021