And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife just started measuring a wall in our house and I don’t know what she’s up to but its probably going to be expensive.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 14, 2021
My husband has forbidden me from watching like five shows without him, but then he never has time to watch them with me. Is this tyranny?— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 19, 2021
My husband just shushed me. He will be missed.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 21, 2021
I'm at the store and my wife texted me to pick her up something called hair nourishing elixir, so I should be home sometime tomorrow.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 15, 2021
what my husband doesn’t realize that a lot of our arguments could be solved by shoving a cookie in my face— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 22, 2021
*puts kid to bed*— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 16, 2021
AW YEAH IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
*turns down the lights*
*takes a probiotic*
*wife puts in her mouth guard*
Fun fact: you will marry the LOUDEST sneezer on the planet.— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) January 12, 2021
Which doesn’t seem possible since I am already married to that person, but trust me on this.
[sitting around a bonfire]— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 24, 2021
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m not saying I’m the man in our relationship cause I hate that statement for LBGTQ+ with a passion, but I have the lesbian version of the man cold according to my wife.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) January 22, 2021
For me, my phone needs charging at 70%. For my wife, her phone needs charging at 2%.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) January 19, 2021
From there, you can extrapolate how our marriage goes.
my husband bought the name brand chips so we won’t be getting divorced after all— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 22, 2021
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 19, 2021
45% of a happy marriage is being out of the bathroom when she’s ready to go in.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 16, 2021
My husband is doing a zoom continuing legal education seminar for two days. Which means I am doing a zoom continuing legal education seminar for two days because he just follows me around with his laptop at full volume including right now where I am in the bed trying to nap.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 16, 2021
My wife: [not paying attention to the TV]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2021
Me: Turns on some show about making swords or moonshine.
Wife: Ugh, what are you watching?
Secret to a successful marriage is to never let your spouse find out that you’ve had a good night’s sleep— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 23, 2021
I wish my husband talked about me the way he talks about Tom Brady.— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) January 24, 2021
I’ve started taking my husband’s hand and guiding it to the stove or light switches and using it to turn them off so he’ll hopefully develop the muscle memory and so far this is not being very well received.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 16, 2021
Whenever my wife has lost something and then finds it, I like to say things like "it's always in the last place you look". This helps a lot.— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) January 12, 2021
My husband’s boss wrote a 3 page letter nominating him for principal at his firm and I got bored reading the first paragraph. Anyway good luck pal— seriously jackie seek help (@MommaUnfiltered) January 23, 2021
My husband asked why there was still a Christmas wreath on the front door. Y’all, it’s evergreen boughs and pinecones, a perfectly appropriate and lovely winter choice. Should I call this the Foliage Fight or the Wreath Wars?— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 12, 2021
my husband and I have this routine where we both avoid picking up some random piece of trash for days on end, silently daring the other to do it, until I realize I’m the only one who even sees it and I pick it up like I do every other thing in our lives— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 17, 2021
My husband just walked by and burped while I was on speakerphone with the IRS. I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do right now.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 23, 2021
My wife has the ability to make the words "excuse me?" sound completely terrifying.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 22, 2021
Get married so you can argue about the correct way to fold towels.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 21, 2021