And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Marriage is finding the one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) January 27, 2021
My marriage vows never said anything about removing a bevy of various sized pillows from the couch before laying down on it.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 3, 2021
My husband and I just got two additional streaming services so now we can argue about even more shows that one of us doesn’t want to watch.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 29, 2021
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) February 6, 2021
*slowly nods at another husband pushing the shopping cart for his wife at the grocery store*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 31, 2021
So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 26, 2021
Marriage is just asking, “Is it safe to go in?” after one spouse spent a long time in the bathroom.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 4, 2021
I wish my wife would be more like Jeff Bezos and step away from Amazon— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 5, 2021
when you wake up and see the coffee is made it means six more weeks of marriage— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 2, 2021
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 5, 2021
My wife just asked me if we have any wall spackle and this is not good news.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2021
Get married so a normal phone call turns into a passive aggressive argument, because the cellular network is bad and somehow it’s your fault— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 27, 2021
Unsolicited marriage advice for the day:— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) January 27, 2021
Even if your jobs are done, don’t stop cleaning until she does.
I’d ordered my daughter and myself a couple Valentine’s Day candles from Bath & Body Works. My husband opened the box and thought one was for him. He lit it immediately and was so happy. It only took 26 years for me to figure out this perfect gift...completely on accident.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) February 5, 2021
Prayers needed for my husband. He's whistling again.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) January 30, 2021
I am one more week of lockdown away from flirting with my own wife.— Brona C. Titley (@bronactitley) February 7, 2021
Husband: What are you doing?— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) February 6, 2021
Me: Saving the environment.
Husband: You’re standing over the kitchen counter eating ice cream from the carton.
Me: Exactly. From the carton, which means I’m saving water not washing a dish.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.— Nater (@GorillaNipples1) February 4, 2021
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Husband: It’s not my fault.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 4, 2021
Narrator: He later learned it was his fault. All his fault.
Wife: My post is going wild.— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) February 3, 2021
*go to her page*
Let’s get married and have kids so we can spend hours preparing and cleaning up after dinner so our kids can spend seconds deciding they just don’t like the texture.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 4, 2021
I’m sorry we’re late, my husband wanted to find the car keys himself this time.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 1, 2021
My husband asked why I drink my wine so quickly so I poured a glass, sat down, and then the puppy peed on the floor while my four year old yelled to have his bum wiped and then the oven timer went off.— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 6, 2021
Husband: I bet you can't stay off Twitter for one day— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 7, 2021
Me *stays off for two days so I can call him Wrongy McWrongface for the next two months*
One of my husband’s most impressive talents is how he’s able to say the word “we” and have it actually mean “you.” For example “I see we finished the entire pack of Oreos we opened just this morning.”— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 1, 2021