Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Marriage is about finding that one special person to play “who’s going to empty the bathroom trashcan” chicken with for the rest of your lives.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 9, 2020
My wife came outside to tell me a funny thing she heard that I told her an hour ago.
— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) June 13, 2020
Husband: Does it bother you when I —
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 12, 2020
Me: Yes.
It’s 2:30 and my wife just went to Target. I guess I’m making the kids dinner.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 10, 2020
I don’t fake headaches to get out of sex with my husband. I bring up past girlfriends and the fact that his favorite team sucks as God intended.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) June 13, 2020
Me: I don’t think I like this whiny grumpy attitude. I don’t have the patience for it. YOU’RE GOING TO BED EARLY
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 9, 2020
My husband: If you keep talking to yourself in that mirror I’m filing for divorce
Wife: FINALLY A WEEKEND WITH JUST THE TWO OF US!
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 12, 2020
Also my wife: Are you going to breathe like that the entire time?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 10, 2020
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Today I found a random sock so I looked in the odd sock drawer and was able to match it up. Then I proudly said “see, the system works” to my wife. Being 40 is wild.
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 7, 2020
I’ve been married for over 10 years I shave my legs for my freshly cleaned sheets not my husband
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) June 13, 2020
Wife: What are you mixing in that water bottle bottle?
— Bart (@bartandsoul) June 10, 2020
Me: A protein shake
W: That’s a package of Mac & Cheese
M:
Might fuck around and openly communicate with my spouse today.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) June 13, 2020
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 13, 2020
My wife and I go to Home Depot & IKEA with 25 ft tape measures clipped to our belts just to flex on younger couples arguing about stuff fitting in their house.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 8, 2020
I just let my wife cut my hair and honestly the only difference between her and my barber is the amount of times she said whoops.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 11, 2020
TV volume: 1
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 7, 2020
Wife: CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?!
Anytime I'm folding laundry and my wife didn't turn her clothes right side out I throw them in the trash and tell her the dryer ate them.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) June 12, 2020
My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) June 10, 2020
Husband: *clipping his toenails* Can you imagine being single right now?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 8, 2020
Me: Yes.
Remember 4 months ago when I accused you of throwing something away... I found it under the bed this morning.
— luke i am your mother (@MommaUnfiltered) June 5, 2020
~ marriage sext
The president went to the White House bunker for a routine inspection and my wife is staying at the local Hampton Inn because she prefers hard water.
— eric (@ericsshadow) June 3, 2020
My wife just yelled at me for walking too loudly if any of you were thinking of getting into a relationship.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 11, 2020
Definitely get married so you too can enjoy fighting over important issues like different grains of rice before 8AM.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) June 10, 2020
My husband just told me that my sports bra and yoga pants make me look like a Transformer and I think that's like the best compliment ever.
— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) June 4, 2020
My husband says things like "Later Tater" and "Let's skiddaddle".
— ɱuɳcɦkiɳ 🌍🇵🇷🇮🇪 (@boujeemunchkin) June 10, 2020
S.O.S.
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