And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 4, 2022
A podcast, but it's just 45 minutes of me asking my wife where various things are in the house.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 23, 2022
At the beach and my husband has made friends with the family next to us so now I have to file for divorce— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 29, 2022
I opened up emotionally to my husband and told him how long it’s been since the check engine light turned on.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 28, 2022
Once upon a time....— Chaotic Dad (@daydrinkindad) June 21, 2022
In the year 2005, I asked her what was wrong and she still hasn’t finished.
When your wife says "When you have a minute" it's wise to drop whatever you're doing and immediately have a minute.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 5, 2022
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.— Darla (@ddsmidt) June 27, 2022
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My husband had a rogue sneeze that woke the baby but he pulled his back in the process so I feel like that’s a fair trade— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 30, 2022
I called my parents and after a minute my husband took my phone from me and started chatting with them and they were so excited about it and it’s weird to be married to the son I never was.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 1, 2022
My wife was telling me a story and she said "for example lets say you are handsome" I haven’t recovered 🤣🤣🤣— Thee_GangsterGp (@Thee_GangsterGp) July 1, 2022
I’m pretty sure that sharing dessert wasn’t part of my marriage vows.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 28, 2022
I thought I could smooth over a fight with my wife by bringing home a cheese platter and that’s the second thing I’ve been super right about today— Coach Rusty (@rusty_coach) June 28, 2022
My husband just lovingly stared into my eyes and whispered, "Stay away, I don't want to get sick" after I sneezed 3 times in a row, in case anyone is wondering what marriage looks like after 17 years— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 2, 2022
My wife told me this morning she wants a divorce, well she didn't really tell me as much as showed me by using my coffee cup to drink her tea.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) June 24, 2022
Secret to a successful marriage is waking up after a night of partying and being the first one to say “I have a hangover”— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 27, 2022
My husband started his residency today, which means he had to wake up at negative eleventy o'clock this morning and engage in 30 minutes of chipper whistling while he got ready for work and this is going to be a very long four years.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 27, 2022
I married a bald man with the back of Chewbacca and my marriage vows really should have stated that I'd be shaving his back once a week— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) June 29, 2022
My husband must hate when I work from home because he has to keep popping up from his secret nap when he hears me come up the stairs— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) June 28, 2022
Husband couldn’t find the step ladder this morning cause apparently in the basement 18 inches to the left of the bottom step leaning against the wall wasn’t descriptive enough.— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) July 3, 2022
Apparently yelling “we’re going to Bisneyland!” before leaving for work is not funny, according to my wife— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) July 4, 2022
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 1, 2022
Nobody is more determined than a woman who has exactly 4 hours to finish a home remodeling project before her husband gets home and discovers she started a home remodeling project.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 21, 2022
*My husband getting excited because I shaved my entire body*— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) June 30, 2022
Me: Move outta the way I’m late for my gynecologist appointment!
“We have to start taking our health seriously in this family” I say to my husband as I throw back a handful of vitamins with my giant glass of wine— Emotional Support GOAT🐐 (@SwissArmyWife00) June 28, 2022
Hoping to graduate soon as a valedictorian from my wife’s school of listening— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 28, 2022