And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: *just finished cleaning toilets*— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 4, 2020
Husband: can I pee in our bathroom?
Me: you can pee outside
80% of marriage is repeating yourself.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 2, 2020
I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF.
My wife: Can I ask you a question?— Lucy Bexley 🏳️🌈 (@bexley_lucy) June 30, 2020
Me: Can you tell me what this is in regards to before I decide?
Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
Me: [watching TV at a reasonable volume]— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 22, 2020
Text msg from wife at Target halfway across town: WOULD YOU TURN THAT DOWN
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 4, 2020
I’ve realized I’m at the point in my marriage where I assume that any time my husband disappears, he’s probably off taking a shit. If he ever goes missing I’m going to be on the news like:— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 29, 2020
Reporter: You didn’t look for him for two days
Me: I figured he was REALLY constipated
Get married and have kids and then hopefully you too can one day say things like, “I’m sorry I micromanaged the way you braided our daughter’s doll’s hair”.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 2, 2020
My wife went into CVS to get two things. She’s been in there for an hour so I assume her receipt is still printing.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 28, 2020
My wife is 5 feet 2 inches tall. I always wanted a short wife. Now I can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) July 2, 2020
Me: You just sat on my glasses.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 4, 2020
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Sitting on the couch on our phones:— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 3, 2020
Me - Hey, can we have
Wife - We'll talk about tomorrow night's dinner tomorrow.
Me - ...k.
Not to brag or anything but my wife likes me better after I've had my coffee in the morning.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) June 25, 2020
Only having to take the dog out every other poop is reason enough to get married.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 1, 2020
Instead of asking my husband to do something, I just casually mention 300 times that it needs to be done and hope he picks up what I’m putting down. And so far, this strategy has been wildly unsuccessful.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 3, 2020
Husband: *crying* Please let me go.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 30, 2020
Me: *parallel parking*
The best thing about being married is having clothes that match.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 24, 2020
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 24, 2020
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My husband did the grocery shopping today. Apparently we'll be eating nothing but Spam and pork rind sandwiches for the foreseeable future.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 3, 2020
Wife: Why can't you put your dishes in the dishwasher?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 2, 2020
Also my wife: OMG not like that
Wife: How do you feel this morning?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2020
Me, who had one drink three weeks ago: Terrible.
Me: Hey babe! What’s for dinner!— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 1, 2020
Wife: Fuck cooking, Taco Bell.
Me: Ohh thank God, no argument for once.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 1, 2020
My husband just picked his socks up off the floor so I guess he wants sex now.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 29, 2020
Husband: We should talk about the credit card bill.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 22, 2020
H: This isn’t Facebook.
H: This isn’t Twitter.
Me: SWIPE LEFT.